Search - Cross Bones on DVD

Aarrgghh!

Stanley O. Hamby | Decatur, AL USA | 11/06/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

"Aarrgghh!

The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.
"

THE PROS AND CONS OF CROSS BONES:

Jill Dunsmore | 01/02/2008

(1 out of 5 stars)

"CONS:
1. The script was atrocious.
2. Too much of a home-movie, too little of a movie-movie.
3. There was about ten minutes of pointless reality show interviews!
4. The acting was beyond atrocious.
5. It took too long to get to anything remotely "good."
6. The plot was poorly played out.
7. Since when does the bloodstream contain paint and cranberry juice?
8. We never see the dead bodies, which proves how low-budget this rubbish is!
9. The camera work at points is very shaky.
10.There are plot skips that just make this movie more confusing.
11.What the hell?? When did zombies come into play??
12.Steals from the classic "Deliverance."
13.How do immobile cameras move?
14.The plot was so poorly played out it was almost unbearable to watch.
15.The opening scene was WAAAAAAAY too long and WAAAAAAY too boring!

PROS:
1. The movie ended.

Get the picture?"