Search - Blood Gnome on DVD

James B. (wandersoul73) from LINDALE, TX
Reviewed on 6/22/2009...

Bloody naked fun.

1 of 1 member(s) found this review helpful.

Dreck

Jeffrey Leach | Omaha, NE USA | 10/21/2005

(2 out of 5 stars)

"When you throw down a movie in front of me called "Blood Gnome," I've got no choice but to respond. Especially when the cover shows a couple of nasty looking beasties with watermelon shaped heads and rows of sharp teeth. Who could resist such a temptation? Not me, my friends, not me! Check this out: "Blood Gnome" is a movie that fuses BDSM with nasty little gnomes that have the ability to appear and disappear at will. You heard correctly. BDSM and bloodthirsty gnomes from another dimension! Wow! It's obvious just from the description alone that Steven Spielberg, Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese, and any other modern masters of the cinematic art form should just hang up their lenses and go home. There's a new director in town, his name is John Lechago, and he's taking no prisoners! "Blood Gnome" easily beats out the finest moments of movie history. It towers over such "classics" as "Citizen Kane," "The Godfather," "Gone With the Wind," "Metropolis," and "Star Wars." Classics! Ha! These movies are pure crud made by rank amateurs compared with the genius of "Blood Gnome." I hesitate to mention such drivel when reviewing Lechago's masterpiece. Yes, "Blood Gnome" will stand as a monument to future filmmakers.

Where do I even start? I feel totally inadequate to the task of reviewing this picture. Perhaps it's best to stick with the essentials and hope and pray that I get them right. I'm so unworthy! Anyway, Lechago's epic introduces us to a cast of memorable characters. The most important is a beefy looking lass by the name of Elandra (Ri Watson). She's mixed up in several unsavory activities, including but not limited to drug dealing and blood gnomes. What are blood gnomes, you ask? Why, they're creatures interested in preying on members of the BDSM community that take part in something called "Blood Sports." What this entails, and I see I'm already out of my league, are select members of this alternative community who cut each other and bleed for kicks. Oh fun! When some of these people start turning up dead, crime photographer Daniel (Vincent Bilancio) somehow sees something everyone else misses. Specifically, his camera catches images of the invisible blood gnomes. Since Daniel spent some time in the laughing academy due to a tragedy involving his ex-wife and a lover, his associates think he's going bonkers again when he tells them what he sees. Great men often face similar challenges. Remember when Abraham Lincoln claimed aliens from the planet Xerxes ran the Confederacy? Daniel is in good company.

Daniel, the good citizen that he is, decides to investigate the blood gnomes further. With the help of a foxy BDSM insider named Divinity (Melissa Pursley), Danny boy moves in for the information that will blow this story sky high. The images that float by from this point to the film's final, mind-blowing revelations keep me up at night in a state of pure wonderment. Nothing less than shining brilliance is on display when we see that the blood gnomes not only know how to use a computer, but also learn how to send Daniel instant messages. The sequence involving the demise of Detective Sterling (Charles Mosby), a cop who unfortunately stumbles onto Elandra's nefarious schemes, rivals Rutger Hauer's much lauded death scene in "Blade Runner." And the denouement of "Blood Gnome"! I sat like a stone in my barcalounger, dumbstruck at the wonder of it all, as Daniel, Divinity, Elandra, and special guest star and BDSM goddess Julie Strain showed us the ins and outs of blood sporting in all of its myriad forms. Never before have I witnessed such profound filmmaking, and it's unlikely I'll see anything in the future that will match, let alone surpass, this masterpiece. Every second of this movie is magic on a scale rarely realized.

O.k., time to get serious. "Blood Gnome" stinks. It really stinks. The dialogue plumbs new depths of banality. The production values are bad. Film sets are obviously rooms in the filmmaker's house--or his mother's basement. While I appreciated the occasional blood and guts sequences, the special effects used to realize the blood gnomes are laughable. The acting will make your ears bleed, especially the cackhanded delivery of Ri Watson. An extra on the disc tells us she primarily works as a stuntwoman. Obviously, she took one too many falls down a flight of stairs or too many shots to the head with a two by four. Vincent Bilancio comes off just as poorly, sad to say, in a performance that ranks right up there with Mal Arnold's turn in Herschell Gordon Lewis's "Blood Feast." He relies far too often on mugging for the camera, and his irritating whine resembles in no small way the sound a pair of garden shears dragged over a chalkboard would make. The only reason I'm giving this film two stars instead of one is because of Melissa Pursley. She's a gorgeous Goth type chick that provides the film's only light. I'd love to see her in a better film.

Extras, if you dare to spend more time with this disc than absolutely necessary, consist of a commentary track--more like a confession to a major felony--with Lechago and producer Randy Mermell, and a behind the scenes documentary filled with cast and crew interviews. We even get a look at the puppet work--eat your heart out, Jim Henson--that went into creating the blood gnomes. Only the hardiest schlock film fans should view "Blood Gnome," and even then devouring the movie in small bits is the best way to watch it. Trying to wade through the whole thing in one sitting could well cause massive and irrevocable brain damage. You've been warned!
"

But don't buy it!!!!!!!!!

Greg Molinaro | USA | 10/10/2005

(4 out of 5 stars)

"Rent it instead. This is not what you would call a "good" movie, but my friends and I did enjoy watching it together late at night. The movie is a blast to laugh at, especially for the fact that the makers appear to believe they've made a serious piece of work. Yes, there are moments of intentional humor, but for the most part the film is extremely unintentionally funny. My friends and I found ourselves wrapped up in the ridiculous plot until the end. I imagine this would be a bore if you rented it on your own. So get together in a group to view it, but do NOT buy it!!!"

Dont be fooled by pictures

Andre Villemaire | Canada | 01/16/2006

(2 out of 5 stars)

"So easy to fool the buyers with good look pictures to sell their
movies...but you were warned. The market is getting flooded by
these miniature budget movies. There should be warnings on the boxes against these wanabees.
Yes i gave it 2 stars cause ive seen much worse.
One star for the gnome puppets and the other one for the
free nudity."