You canNOT be serious
E. A Solinas | MD USA | 09/15/2010
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Take every cliche in the world of high fantasy, shove it in a blender with paper-doll characters and an incoherent plot, and add the most obnoxiously annoying sidekick who never said "meesa" and "yousa."
Yeah, this is one of THOSE movies, the movies that everyone says is one of the worst ever made, but you never quite believe it until you force yourself to sit through it. "Dungeons and Dragons" has more ham than a pig farm, ridiculously poor acting and more cliches than you can count (oh look, distracting the guards by throwing a rock!).
The evil mage Profion (Jeremy Irons) wants to overthrow the pure-hearted Empress (Thora Birch), and her only chance is to get the Rod of Savrille (it's French?) which controls red dragons. But the only scroll showing where the Rod is has fallen into the hands of a prissy young mage named Marina ((Zoe McLellan) and a couple of pathetic thieves, Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans).
For some reason, they end up chasing after a mystical ruby that... is somehow connected to the rod, although I must have missed that part. They're also joined by a snooty elf in a metal cone bra and a sloppy dwarf, and being chased by Profion's evil blue-lipped minion, and must find the Rod first otherwise magic/the world will be destroyed, blah blah blah.
Pretty much every aspect of this movie seems as if it was dreamed up by a ten-year-old boy coming off an RPG bender, with a heavy dose of "Star Wars" as well. But no, it was director/producer Courtney Solomon, who apparently was trying to make this movie as over-the-top and ridiculous as possible. Even worse: it's played straight.
So what does it have? Leaden direction, silly action scenes (how many times can Marina club someone with a torch?!), goofy CGI, silly costumes (shoulderpads of DOOM!) and a story that meanders along with random side-trips (Ridley has to run through a ridiculously easy maze). And the editing is so choppy that the characters seem to be teleporting.
And the script... dear Lord, the script. I want to set my own brain on fire when I hear the Empress' "rousing" speech to the Council. The dialogue from the villains is even worse: "Give me what is mine!" "NEEEVVEEEERRRRR!" "You're as stubborn as your friend!"
And this movie contains two kinds of acting: wooden and hammy. There is no in-between, although a few actors (Kristen Wilson) actually manage to be both. Jeremy Irons (who needed this job for home renovations) apparently realizes that all hope is lost in the first scene, so he starts chewing scenery like a rabid wolverine. He's actually kind of fun to watch.
Sadly, nobody else is. Whalin is embarrassingly hammy as a bratty, self-absorbed thief, McLellan is actually fairly likable as a prissy mage, and Birch stands around in glittery costumes and talks in a bland monotone (in one scene, her eyes actually flick upwards as if she's thinking, "How long until I get paid?"). Robert Miano also has a brief but hilarious role as a mage with a thick Bronx accent ("Do ya undastand the consequences of ya actions?").
But Snails... oh man, Marlon Wayans will make you want to dig your brain out with a poniard. His character is annoying, screechy, whiny and borderline racist, and actually manages to be MORE annoying than Jar Jar Binks. Even the writers seem to have gotten tired of him.
"Dungeons and Dragons" will drain your will to live with ghastly writing, acting, and direction. But if you watch it while drunk, that's another story..."