Search - Ebony, Ivory, and Jade on DVD

Bad movie worth watching

cookieman108 | 01/05/2000

(3 out of 5 stars)

"If you enjoy watching bad movies, then this is for you. This movie boasts one of the worst plots ever depicted in a film. But the action is well paced and the girls are fun to watch."

Three foxy mamas turned loose...they can lick any man ever m

cookieman108 | Inside the jar... | 11/17/2005

(2 out of 5 stars)

"Ebony, Ivory, and Jade (1976), also known as She Devils in Chains, American Beauty Hostages, Foxfire, and Foxforce...call it whatever you want, it's still stinks on ice...why do particularly crummy movies tend to sport so many different titles? I have a theory about that...when originally released, the rottenness of the film becomes known, so in order to keep people coming back, the name is changed enough times so that those involved in the making and releasing of the movie can fool unwitting patrons into coming back to see it enough times until the costs are recouped, along with making a little profit. This Philippine production, not to be confused with the 1979 John Llewellyn Moxey film also called Ebony, Ivory and Jade, was directed by Cirio H. Santiago (Vampire Hookers, Death Force, Equalizer 2000), who directed and produced over 20 films for Roger Corman, features Rosanne Katon (Chesty Anderson, USN, Motel Hell), Colleen Camp (The Swinging Cheerleaders, Death Game), and Sylvia Anderson (Angels' Brigade). Also appearing is Ken Washington (Embryo), Jun Aristorenas (Deadly Jacks), Dick Adair (Blind Rage), and Ken Metcalfe (T.N.T. Jackson, Dynamite Johnson).

The film begins by showing women, who are supposed to be world-class athletes, participating in some sort of international track and field event. The film footage is superimposed over some stock footage of an Olympics that took place about 20 years ago, I guess to create a sense of credibility, but it didn't work. What's really funny is the women, who are way too meaty to be track athletes, are shown running in slow motion, as if they were shown running in real time, there's no way in hell anyone would buy off on the presumption they were what they were supposed to be...anyway, there's a pretty blonde heiress named Ginger Douglas (she's the `Ivory'), an attractive African American woman named Pam Rogers (the `Ebony'), and also a African American Amazonian named KC Barnes (another `Ebony'?). The ladies, who are part of an American track and field team, travel to Hong Kong to participate in some competition, met by Jackie, an Asian friend of Pam (and now we get the `Jade'), but danger lurks in the airport in the form of ominous, indistinct Asian thug types eyeballing the girlies. There's a lame robbery attempt prior to leaving the airport, which allows the girls to display their pathetic kung fu skills (actually, Jackie, the Asian woman, wasn't that bad), and off they go, with their stalkers in tow. After a practice, we're treated to a locker room scene (sans any nekkidness), some crude, sexual remarks are bandied about (these women sure are modern), and the girls get attacked, fight back, but eventually get kidnapped (after a Caucasian girl with a huge afro gets killed). Turns out the their captors are slave traders of sorts, and plan on selling the girls to whomever is willing to pay...Pam's boyfriend Rusty, an ex-boxer turned announcer, hooks up with a local mercenary named Nick to try and rescue the ladies, but the prisoners are kept on the move. Eventually the girls, who've suffered being drugged, beaten, and more, fight back, utilizing their unique (and lacking) athletic talents and lousy kung fu to take revenge...or something like that...things got confusing at times.

I suppose I'll start off by saying what I liked about this film, which wasn't a whole lot, but I did enjoy some of the `wakacha wakacha' music, even though the same, three pieces were used ad nauseam. Other than that, the rest of the film was a bust, fraught with really bad 70s polyester fashions and hairstyles (the Amazonian woman seemed to be wearing an indestructible hair helmet). The funniest aspect for me was the character of Pam, especially when she was shown fighting. She had that really lame choreographed kung fu style, the kind you see from someone who's taken a couple of classes, but has neither the skill nor the agility to pull off the moves with any proficiency (see any Rudy Ray Moore film and you'll get an idea of what I'm talking about). The filmmakers obviously realized this as the long shots of Pam engaged in battle were not Pam, but obviously a much more agile man, wearing her clothes and sporting a hideous Afro wig. The acting is rotten to the core (no one performed well, as there were only varying degrees of lousy), only matched by the ridiculously inept script. Here's an example of some of the inept dialog, as spoken by two of the main heavies, as they discuss exactly what they're going to do with the women.

Thug: This is stupid...all this trouble for nothing.
Boss: We must be philosophical about this.
Thug: It may be difficult for you to remain philosophical about losing five million dollars. (this was the amount they were asking for ransom, which was a sham)
Boss: When a person loses her value, she becomes flesh, and flesh has a value all its own, so we lose nothing. We can only profit.

Oh bruther...I don't normally mind wallowing around in an abysmal film, as I can usually find some small pleasures in doing so, but this movie seemed to have so little of the charms that make rotten cinema enjoyable (extreme and unnecessary overacting, performers stepping on each others lines, outlandish plot devices, etc.). I think the one element that annoyed me the most about this movie was how poorly it was lit. There's a murky quality throughout many of the scenes, as if the filmmakers couldn't afford to properly light the interior or nighttime sequences. Also, what was up with the audio? I don't know who was responsible for the recording, mixing, and such, but it was really lousy, often out of sync, and varied greatly in terms of audibility. This didn't seem like a flaw within the DVD audio, but problems inherent in production. And one last thing, about the middle of the film we learn the girls may have been set up, by someone they know...turns out they were, but when the identity of this person is finally revealed, it's completely absurd as there were absolutely no indicators that would have pointed any viewer in that, particular direction. It was only the way it was because that's how it was written, and served as a good indicator towards the overall incompetence of the writer.

Anchor Bay Entertainment presents a decent-looking, fullscreen (1.33:1) picture on this DVD release. I'm unsure if there was a widescreen print available, but if there were, I would have thought they would have been able to dig it up, as my past experiences with Anchor Bay releases have shown they seem to try and provide the best...but then again, I've notice their quality, as of late, seems to be slipping, but anyway...the Dolby Digital mono audio comes through well, despite inherent flaws in the original audio recording. There aren't really any special features available on the DVD, but there is a 5 X 7 insert card featuring the chapter stops on one side, and a reproduction of original promotional artwork (the artwork is the same used for the DVD case) on the other.

Cookieman108

By the way, I don't necessarily dig on bashing a film, but when the effort seems so very lacking, as it does here, the desire to forewarn other, potential victims overcomes my reluctances towards thrashing such an easy target.
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