"Every Andy Sidaris film is a suspense film, the suspense is how long it will take the girls in his movie to strip down. It takes about 5 minutes in this one. The movie is based on a redneck detective named Cody Ablilene who is trying to solve a murder and gets caught up in international espionage. SYBIL DANNING, the Queen of the B-Movies, is the highlight of this movie. She steals the show. Too bad she was not the main character!"
"Would I Help A Woman In Distress?"
J. H. Minde | Boca Raton, Florida and Brooklyn, New York | 09/28/2004
(5 out of 5 stars)
"MALIBU EXPRESS, an early (1985) Andy Sidaris film was a mainstay of the old "Action Plus" cable TV network of the era which featured softcore nudity and car chases (usually in that order). MALIBU EXPRESS delivers on all counts.
Unlike Sidaris' later "Bullets, Bombs and Babes" work, MALIBU EXPRESS features a male lead, Darby Hinton, as Private Investigator Cody Abilene. Cody lives aboard a houseboat named "Malibu Express" and has cleverly disguised it as a train by building a freestanding door painted as a caboose on the dock where the boat is moored.
This "secret door" isn't much help, as an assortment of busty, lusty women seem to find their way onto the boat at all hours. Cody is forever working the button on his Levis.
And it's a good thing, too, because when it comes to working with firearms, Cody couldn't hit a supertanker with a bazooka shot. Although armed with a .44 automag in a cow-patterned gun case (shades of Dirty Harry) and resembling a blond version of Tom Selleck (a nod to Magnum PI), Cody is charmingly inept with anything involving inorganic moving parts. The women around him act as a kind of human shield most of the time, so Cody doesn't really suffer.
The plot (such as it is) involves Cody's investigation of a Beverly Hills clan whose individual members seem to do little more than sleep with the domestic help, cross-dress, and shout orders through a bullhorn. It seems that somebody in this family of the idle-brained rich is also selling desktop PCs to the Soviet Union (for those of you too young to remember, that was a no-no back then).
Cody is helped in his assignment by the ubiquitous Queen "B", Sybil Danning (the best actor in the picture by far, which tells you something), and by his friend, race car driver June Khnockers (Playmate Lynda Weismeier) who has the best time of anybody in the film just flashing her ample, unenhanced chest at anyone who cares to look.
Besides the heavies (Matthew, Mark and Luke) played by a succession of Mr. Universes, Cody is also pitted against the Buffingtons (think of Hee-Haw's Junior Samples minus the urbane veneer) who are constantly challenging him to drag races. Cody predictably loses each one (even driving his red DeLorean)against a succession of pickup trucks, Studebakers, and skateboards, until he inherits his father's rocket powered Olds Firenza hatchback (as a former Firenza owner I'll tell you those things had pick up).
As a low-budget laugh-a-minute movie, MALIBU EXPRESS is top-quality entertainment. Although short on "Bombs" (not one helicopter blows up), MALIBU EXPRESS introduces us to all the ongoing themes of the Sidaris canon (men named Abilene who chase Playmates). What more could anyone want?"
Sidaris Keeps Sexploitation Genre Alive
John Ashley Nail | Decatur, GA United States | 07/12/2004
(4 out of 5 stars)
"God bless Andy Sidaris. While hardcore porn delivered a death blow (so to speak) to sexploitation films, Sidaris keeps the genre alive with his action-packed movies filled with Playmate stars wrapping their fingers around big guns and lips around double entendres. In this 1985 Sidaris movie, Cody Abeline (Darby Hinton) is an independently wealthy Texas-born P.I. who drives a Delorean, lives on a yacht (the titular "Malibu Express"), can't shoot a moving target to save his life, and can't seem to walk three feet without some babe opening her blouse and jumping into his arms. He's hired by "contessa" Sybil Danning (who, despite references to her being from Italy, speaks as if born and raised in California) to check out a the wealthy Chamberlin family, a member of which is suspected of being involved in selling computer secrets to the Russians (so much for glasnost). Overseen by a wheelchair-bound matriarch who barks orders through a bullhorn, the Chamberlin household is packed with such characters as a ditzy maid wearing a blond wig longer than her uniform; a closeted homosexual son who secretly performs in drag; and a nymphomaniac daughter-in-law who demands frequent servicing from the hunky ex-con butler/chauffer. Double crosses and double D's vie for equal screen time until someone winds up dead. Cody hunts for the killer with the help of his beautiful blond detective friend, but first he has to help her out of her clothes... Through it all, Cody provides expository narration to lead us through the dizzying, far-fetched plot twists."Malibu Express" is a Sidaris classic. Every other scene features bare breasts, simulated sex and/or gunfire. The movie also has a goofy sense of humor (Topless female racecar driver to Cody: "What do you think?" Cody: "They're great!" Driver: "I meant my driving."), a relentless country soundtrack and periodic appearances of the Buffingtons, a hillbilly family guaranteed to delight those who find the humor of "Hee Haw" too dry. You can rest assured that no one exhibits behavior likely to be found in real life. The acting? Well, Danning delivers one of the stronger performances if that tells you anything. Hinton can be summed up with the following equation: John Schneider + [Tom Selleck/2]-1/2 talent = Darby Hinton. However, Hinton does have a likeable screen presence and works well here. He's also featured in what's got to be Sidaris' first--possilby only--gratuitous male shower scene. Also look for sexploitation vet John Alderman in a small role and a cameo, of sorts, by Regis Philbin."Magnum T&A" is right (damn, I wish I thought of that line first). May Sidaris always stay true to his artistic vision."
Very Good and entertaining mid 80's,B-rate, T&A movie!
James C. Williams II | Miramar, Florida United States | 09/26/2003
(4 out of 5 stars)
"Movie strengths: One of the best and earliest Andy Sidaris films! Certainly entertaining, funny and well casted. Cool and realistic main character - Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton)- an Eastwood wannabe who doesn't have a prayer of shooting a moving target with his cannon of a gun. Good twisting plot (for a B-film) that at the least will keep you watching throughout the entire movie. Very cool cars (for the early 80's time period). The Buffingtons are absolutely HILARIOUS! They will make you laugh out loud with their wild, animated, simple-minded, hill-billy antics. Contessa Luchesi (Sybil Danning), June Khnockers (Lynda Weismeier), Maid Marian (Robyn Hilton), Beverly (Lori Sutton) and a host of other centerfolds make for a great 80's T&A cast. And an added bonus is that all of the eye-candy in this movie actually do reasonably decent jobs at acting their parts. Andy Sidaris throws in professional bodybuilders John Brown and Richard Brose (2 of 3 villains named Matthew, Mark, and Luke) to play the "muscle" of a computer smuggling ring. Entertaining stufff straight out of the shadows of Dukes of Hazzard lore!Movie Weakness: Very few for a B-film! I know ol' man Sidaris would have loved to have had more than just 1 explosion.Similar Movies: "Cannonball Run" (plus T&A), "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" (minus the singing and dancing).Carltonz Call: Good and funny film definitely worth watching! Just be mindful that it is a non-serious B-film. Definitely worth purchasing if you are a Sidaris fan!"
Magnum T & A
William R. Hancock | Travelers Rest, S.C. United States | 12/27/2003
(4 out of 5 stars)
"Got this DVD in a 6-disc collection of Andy Sidaris bullets, babes, and bombs hokum. Watched the other 5 discs before this one for no other reason than I saw it starred Darby Hinton ("Israel Boone" from Fess Parker's old tv show) and I have never given a flying rat's patootie about Darby Hinton. I was never that impressed with "Israel" on tv, and later on I knew some folks who encountered Hinton at some some personal appearance function and who described him to me as a "self-absorbed little snot". From then on Darby Hinton did not show up on my radar. But he DOES NOW!Why? Because this movie is FUNNY!This movie is a low-brow, sleazy, smarmy HOOT! (like "Animal House" or "Porky's" or "Cry Uncle" crossed with "Magnum P.I."). And Darby Hinton, as private eye Cody Abilene, a rich-kid gumshoe who lives on a cabin cruiser (the titular "Malibu Express") and who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a .44 magnum at ten paces, is a hoot IN it!!! He's got a "look", and a charm,and a grin (not to mention a beach-boy blonde "Magnum" mustache) that just WORKS. He plays this role to perfection and now I feel really guilty about dissing and disregarding him all these years (Darby!!! I'm SORRY, Dude!!!).
The "Story" line here is not...uh..."perfect"...but, hey!...it gets the job done! Cody Abilene is called in by the local CIA station chief (who is friends with Cody's dad and who shares the same marina with them) to investigate the illegal sale of high-tech computer technology to the Russkies. Looks to be going out through the household of a prominent society matron
(oh yeah, THAT makes sense!) and they want Cody to go in and investigate the matter undercover as a "home security expert". He is to work with...oh MY....SYBIL DANNING in this operation( a job I wouldn't mind undertaking MYSELF! WOOF!) From day one hilarity reigns. There are prissy, lisping,transvestite husbands (NOT that there is anything WRONG with that, you understand!) to deal with; blackmailing, womanizing chauffeurs; inept, bumbling thugs; double-dealing housekeepers in little French maid uniforms;smarmy computer-nerd master criminals (Not!); and more hot-to-trot jiggly pulchritude than can be found in any THREE James Bond movies! And then there is also this BIZARRE family of redneck whackos who interrupt the story continuity periodically to challenge Cody to car races (part of an ongoing family feud, it seems). The whole thing is utterly absurd, and yet you find yourself watching it and laughing. You laugh at the cornball puns, you laugh at the inane situations, you laugh at the gigantic lapses in logic, you laugh at the whole lunatic mess of it. Sidaris and company have made numerous T & A action flicks after this one, and they are all entertaining to one degree or another. but there is a formulaic sameness to the majority of his "L.E.T.H.A.L. Force" movies that gives them too much of a feeling of "been there, done that". But THIS thing is different. This thing is more playful, more imaginative, more smart-alecky, and, yes, more CHARMING in its good-natured preposterousness than the other ones are. After seeing "Malibu Express", my first thought was "Man, why didn't you guys KEEP ON with this??? This was COOL!! You should have given ol' Israel a contract for AT LEAST two more like this!".
Why didn't they? You got me there, pardner. Don't have a clue.
They went into this "Molokai Cargo/LETHAL Force" cycle and never
looked back. But I DO have a clue for YOU, though, compadres. If you only watch ONE lame-brained Andy Sidaris movie in your entire lifetime....THIS...my friends, is the ONE to go for. THIS is the best one. Far and away. Oh...and one more thing. Darby Hinton, can I have your autograph?"