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Jiggle It!

Robert I. Hedges | 08/20/2008

(2 out of 5 stars)

"I am probably not the best reviewer for this film inasmuch as I am an airline pilot. Since my time is somewhat limited I won't even cover the technical inaccuracies in this film (it would be much quicker to list the accuracies, anyway), but will stick to more purely cinematic issues. This slab of back bacon-flavored cheese was made in Canada for TV and stars a veritable pantheon of B-movie actors, with Kate Jackson taking the helm as the lead flight attendant.

I was originally going to give this film only one star, but decided on awarding a bonus "cliche star" due to it having every hackneyed plot device known to man somewhere within its bowels. The basic premise is this: a 747 takes off from New York with 16 hours of fuel onboard bound for London. In the first 30 seconds or so of flight the plane is hit by lightning right in the cockpit, frying all the pilots. Despite the maze of wires being fried the autopilot continues flying the aircraft, although to ever-changing, random cities. Almost immediately Flight Attendant Maureen McCormick reveals she's pregnant, while another Flight Attendant, Charlene, commences having a nervous breakdown; meanwhile the obligatory pregnant passenger goes into labor. Hunky passenger-hero Ed Marinaro (as "Brett Young") endears himself to Kate, while action hero actor (and full time jerk) Erik Estrada has a conniption. Kate appeals to Erik, naturally, to calm the passengers on the PA (because "you're their hero"), but he blows it spectacularly, resulting in the first in a series of mutinies led by a doughy middle manager in a pink shirt.

Meanwhile, the CEO of the airline arrives at Air Traffic Control, where chief Robert Guillaume and an annoying FAA inspector are holding court. In one of the more realistic lines of dialogue in the film the CEO says "You're going to have to explain this to me; I'm more used to steel mills." The FAA woman is threatening to have the plane shot down as it's a hazard to populated regions.

In the plane Kate, Ed, and a computer geek hack into the aircraft Flight Management Computer with a cheap laptop. (I know I said I'd refrain, but I can't help myself: this is the single stupidest and least technically accurate scene I have ever seen in the legions of bad airplane movies I have witnessed.) The airplane intermittently makes horrible lurching sensations related to electrical arcing in a wire bundle under the glareshield. Their solution? They jiggle it repeatedly until the plane does what they want it to. I am not making this up.

To contact Air Traffic Control they want to use a cell phone, but none of the 400 people onboard have one. Computer geek has one, but it's in the cargo hold. Unfortunately, due to the aerobatic flight, a Corvette in the hold has rolled into a pet porter, and freed a rottweiler. Kate and Ed go spelunking through the baggage only to be viciously attacked by the dog. How can they be saved? Through a combination of good and bad luck: the plane starts climbing out of control so high (52,000 feet is mentioned...) that the dog gets hypoxia and passes out! They actually administer oxygen to the dog to revive him. (Please ponder this.) Unfortunately, a little girl turns the Inflight Entertainment system on to show all the passengers the television: all that's featured (of course) is how they will all die horrible deaths. In what is by far the most realistic part of the film, members of the press are seen endlessly badgering family members for their reactions to the impending deaths of their loved ones. (If you think the principals can't act, wait until you get a look at the family members.)

The male Flight Attendant goes down the lift (elevator) to the lower galley, but it becomes suddenly jammed at the same time a mysterious fire breaks out in the galley. Since that didn't seem like enough for the cast to cope with, the backstory then clues us in that Ed is actually a fugitive spy wanted for treason! This is all too much for the guy in the pink shirt who tries to commandeer the flight with a bold charge and the battle cry "We're taking control of this flight!" (I was wondering what they wanted to do with it after they were in control.) After the uprising is quelled by Ed, we learn that Ed's company framed him for treason, but that storyline can't linger long because the airplane is now headed for Chicago; it later terrorizes Denver as well. The FAA woman said they would have to shoot it down if it got too close to populated areas; I don't even need to ask the obvious question here, do I?

The Corvette starts leaking gasoline onto the cargo hold floor and it spontaneously bursts into flame, in the second unrelated inflight fire in an hour. This lets Kate know that it's really time to get down to business, so she enlists Erik (again) to calm the seething masses (OK, the 20 or so extras on the set...) which he does by quoting lines from his films, while the plane heads itself to Vancouver. There is much jiggling of the cockpit wires during the trip to Vancouver, but unfortunately the plane runs out of fuel and has to glide, on fire, to the airport. The fire trucks respond by parking on the runway, which seems an obvious place to avoid if an out of control, flaming 747 is going to try to land on that runway. It turns out that the landing is ugly and destroys most of the Crash, Fire, and Rescue equipment in Canada in what may be the worst computer generated airplane scene in any movie ever.

Everyone evacuates the plane safely (except for the pilots, of course): Erik falls in love with his personal assistant, to whom he says "If you help me get back into the habit of saying please and thank you, I'll buy you a cat." Of course Kate and traitor-hero Ed make a date in London, as they are also romance bound. The FBI approaches the plane and asks Kate where Ed is at: she says that he was killed by lightning, while Ed walks into the sunset (really) with his briefcase full of secrets. The FBI surely won't figure that one out.

This movie is just awful on every level. If you know anything about flying it requires total suspension of disbelief, and if you have a low threshold for bad cinema, this is not for you. For fans of ultra (and I mean ultra) low quality made-for-TV drama that's so bad it hurts, this is a dream come true."