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Ezzard C. (CHAZZ) from SAINT LOUIS, MO Reviewed on 10/31/2008...
it was partly funnnnny. i rate it a 2
1 of 1 member(s) found this review helpful.
If you needed a good reason for Suicide
Dr. Geiger | Earth | 09/18/2004
(1 out of 5 stars)
"At no point does this movie make anything even remotely interpretable as an effort to express scripted/actor relation to plot, acting, or even plausible improvisation. After viewing just the first five minutes of this film I had to punch a mirror and proceed to use bits of broken glass to cut myself for emotional relief.
I feel violated and disgusted for having spent any money on this product, and for ethical reasons deemed it necessary to destroy my copy rather than spread this horrible feeling to others. You know that tape that after watching you have seven days till you die? This one does it in 30 minutes or your money back.
I recommend this film for children, that is, if you need to assist them with euthanization and can't think of an appropriate poison. If you can't sit down and watch this movie in it's grotesque span of human misery I suggest any member of the barbital family and a dry-cleaning bag over the head. "
Pocket Ninjas: Even The Kids Will Just Say No
Robert I. Hedges | 04/04/2007
(1 out of 5 stars)
"I bought this DVD for a friend who is a Robert Z'Dar completeist. I was morbidly curious, so I watched it first. That was a major lapse of judgment. My first challenge was in trying to play the DVD: the main menu is so poorly designed as to make it hard to figure out how to get the movie to start; unfortunately I was a bit too tenacious and actually was able to get the film to play.
This film is one of the most amateurish films ever made (I am not the first reviewer to notice this,) making such Mogadore, Ohio classics as "Chickboxer" and "Galaxy of the Dinosaurs" look like Oscar winners by comparison. The movie stars a long haired karate instructor (think Roger Daltry in a bathrobe) and three annoying kids. This concept was far more skillfully executed by Hulk Hogan in "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain." I am somewhat ashamed to be able to thoughtfully compare the two.
The teacher is the "White Dragon" who patrols the streets of gang-infested Los Angeles by night. He has supernatural powers (the "gift of the dragon") which he passes along to his three young proteges, who get red, gold, and black dragon masks of their own. (When you see the Red Dragon, note how he looks like an almost perfect cross between Gene Simmons in costume and Boy George.) The enemy is Cobra Khan played by Robert Z'Dar, who along with his son, Cubby Khan, run the looting and pillaging gangs.
The kids adore their teacher, and they practice with him daily. In fact, the huge preponderance of the film is taken up by karate practice (they wish they were as good as the cast of "Chickboxer" but they aren't) and annoying electronic music. Not only are they small ninjas (hence the title,) they rollerblade to their fights. There are subplots about environmental damage and fish poisonings, a comic book written in "Canadian" instead of English (rendering it illegible to the ninjas,) and fantasy action vignettes in which Robert Z'Dar actually gets to play patty cake and do a Tarzan impression that frightens off clowns. (I am not making this up.) Of all subplots, though, the most disconcerting is the one in which the moody ninja's mom is romantically interested in the karate teacher. When she bakes him cookies there are voiceovers where we get to explore what they are thinking about each other. Samples include "Nice muscles" and "Her hair is like a waterfall gleaming in the moonlight." That's not too far off, actually: her hair is quite large.
Cubby Khan and his minions finally duke it out in a warehouse, and engage the ninjas in a virtual reality game to determine the winner. This is perhaps the worst few minutes of film I have ever sat through in my entire life. Between the "Sonic Virtual Reality" special effects and Robert Z'Dar being enveloped in silly string, very little else compares to this in wretchedness.
One thing to note as the film ends: absolutely no plots are resolved. None. This film is notable for its utter lack of resolution. Are the gang problems solved? Do the karate teacher and the ninja's mom hook up? Is the fish poisoning stopped? We have no idea (and we don't care.) That shouldn't really be a problem for the target audience of this film, but even children will be unentertained by this drivel. This is not so bad it's good, it's just bad. If you want to see a better performance by Robert Z'Dar, I recommend "Guns of El Chupacabra," which, while awful, is still better than this. Actually I would recommend any of Robert Z'Dar's movies in preference to this, now that I think about it.
Do you like movies with incredibly bad acting? Do you enjoy watching a movie thats cut together so bad you could swear your 3 year old kid could film something better? Do you like watching actors run into a room and stand perfectly still while they say there dialog? Do you like incredibly boring long montages every 5 minutes? Do you want to see a familly comedy movie that is in no way at all funny? Do you want to watch a beautiful young girl with only one name who amazingly had no acting career after this film and seems to have disapeered off the face of this earth? Do you wanna see Maniac Cop have the stupidest showdown in history while balancing on balloons and shaming the 3 stooges? Do you have an I.Q under 0.1?
Then this movie is perfect for you.
EDIT: I apologise for the two star vote, i accidently chose the wrong one. I meant 0 stars."
R. Hamilton | Frederick, MD | 04/08/2006
(5 out of 5 stars)
"This movie is so bad, it is awesome! Gets 5 stars for being totttalllly sweet!"