THE CRETIN THING FROM THE LACK LAGOON IN OPEN WATER
Brainman | mARS | 11/17/2005
(1 out of 5 stars)
It starts off with the surprise ultra-realism of barely two films, like "Open Water," and that grand hope of an actual original amatuer effort.
Hope turns to despair for our soon-to-be stereotypes as well.
I consider that a broken promise.
I couldn't believe - literally - the monster was a man in a suit, a dying relation of the creature from the Black Lagoon.
And that it was The Telepathic Thing - with glowing green telepathetic eyes - taking over people.
Becoming a stereo-stereo-stereotype type.
So I don't mind exposing all of the no surprises.
And such an intelligent The Thing that could only make the exact same stereotype growls, and yawns, in the same voice as every other alien. Not a mutant bit different. Even in only existing to kill kill and eat more gore.
THIS FILM IS IN STEREO
All the stereotypes (at least they could make them 5.1 types these days) are here.
1) The character crap (bickering and insults) filmakers always resort to when they can't think of any original characters.
2) The token **shole coward who turns boring hero.
3) The gratuitous - and grateful - lesbian encounter.
3) The unexpected one is taken over, and the misdirection to another (it fooled me. No it did).
4) The "Let's make a stand," is so weak a reason for staying, as if for creature comforts instead of creature killing. Why? Revenge...I guess?
I can take stereotypes if I expect it but going by the first 2 reviews of excellence I was expecting a special smorgasbord.
I now realise they were 11 or 12 years old. And I was too --- as naive.
I soon learnt, with the title "Predator Island" I was asking for --it.
I tell ya, it shoulda been a comedy. It had all the ingredients except laughs.
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
WHAT THE CRITICS SAID
And the "reviews" on the back cover:
"AN ABSOLUTE SCREAM FEST!"
"RIP YOUR HEART OUT HORROR"
Yes they are in quotes, but please, put the filmakers names after them.
Am I really STILL so gullible? YES.
Have I FINALLY learnt my lesson now? NO.
I realise there is always someone to say its the best thing since sliced movies (whether that be discs or film), but when they have to go even below Stent Rubberburger of radio XJKHGO its just - very stupidly clever; no one has heard of nobody!
And please, if I see one more film where thunder happens simultaneously with lightning - none more than this flop in the ocean - I will personally throw their DVD into a lightning bolt to consummate their annoying vision that destroys even that reality. You know - suspension of disbelief. Dudards.
Oh but I forgot, that goes with the stereotypes.
They see, our ears and eyes must sense in stereo, or we cannot comprehend what lightning is!!
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
1) Oh ok I thought the meteor sometimes was ok, fairly real.
2) There just doesn't even seem to be a real lighthouse, just the worse, green&white video - or more like photo - effects like some 60's kids TV show
THE DEAD END at last
The most exciting scene, as often is the case, are the production logo sequences before the film.
And, as if again in true stereo, the very last scene of the actual film - the one surprise, even though I remember one film at least used that. Kingdom of the Spiders.
We all know what the stereo end end normally is.
I'm sorry filmakers - I know (growl, yawn) you are going to read this.
I had to balance those first 2 reviews with the truth, and reason.
So very very awful.........
Jason W. Kaiser | Beaverton, Oregon | 11/12/2005
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Oh my friends is this bad. I will watch just about any horror movie because I'm a die hard fan, but there a few now and then that make me want to rethink my obsession. Some college kids (how may times do we say that in these b-grades?) go sailing and end up with engine trouble at an island with a couple who live and operate the islands lighthouse. A meteor (absolutely cheap and fake looking) has crashed into the island and aliens who take over your minds are now running amok........
These aliens are just plain crap, not the amazing make-up and special effects we are used to in, say, any of the aliens, no, here we get actors in cheap, lame, cheesy costumes and they don't even fit right (watch a couple of the "attack" scenes and you'll see what I mean). Also, the acting is atrocious, but it doesn't really matter cuz you've never heard of any of them. The female actors were obviously chosen for one reason, eye candy. But even that is a let-down because we get no nudity what so ever, I know that sounds wrong, but I'm really grasping at straws here trying to figure out ways to improve this garbage!!!
People, skip this, skip this, oh please skip this, I'd rather watch any of the Aliens for the 30th time then ever give this movie a 2nd chance.
acting...............1.5 stars, Good thing there no-namers
directing............1.5 stars, Editing is just as bad
special effects......1 star, Lots of cheesy green glow....
scare rating.........no stars, Please, laughed my ass off
quality..............1 star, so cheaply made, no effort at all"
Michael Butts | Martinsburg, WV USA | 04/08/2006
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Oh my, what a frightening creature...a man dressed up in a monster suit with glowing green eyes. A group of teenagers who witness a meteor crash and end up on a lonely island with the lighthouse keeper and his wife. Isn't this original?
Yipes..this one is pretty bad. The actors are awful, the effects non-existent and the level of terror -- well, there is none. Someone must have given the writer/director some money for Christmas and he decided to make this totally crappy film. Don't waste your time, folks."