You will be a sobbing mess within the first 1/2 hour and you probably won't have the guts to make it to the end. You will never forget the WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE!! Why have only one monster in a movie when you can ha... more »ve them all? In this flick you will see a lesbian vampire, zombie Jesus, a giant spider, muslim terrorists, inbred hicks, baby in a blender, a mummy, a fecal demon, a damsel repeatedly in distress, abusive soldiers, an axe murder, a mental ward with the uprising of the insane, a werewolf who humps more than your leg, and lots of other unsavory creatures!« less
"I have seen many, many bad movies, but there is only one that even comes close to this one for sheer awfulness ("The Underground Comedy Movie", if you are wondering) in every single cinematic facet. On the whole, I think I still have to give the title of "worst movie ever" to "The Underground Comedy Movie", but it's a close call.
In this "film" some untalented metalheads bought a camcorder and made some props and decided to film everything they could think of. Forget plot: there is no plot. Forget acting: there is no acting. Forget entertainment value: there is definitely no entertainment value, not even as a grade-Z camp movie. This is a waste of your time and money in so many ways that I can't possibly list them all, but I will try to give a flavor of the film, though most people will find the taste unpalatable and may need an ipecac.
The film opens in a dumpy apartment at a friendly card game, and within the first five or so minutes of the film, we see two people beheaded (watch out for the watermelon smashing effects), and one fatally injured (to include loss of an eyeball, somehow) by a banana peel. This clearly the work of a demon from the bowels of...well, actually just from the bowels, it turns out. The mortal enemy is a poo monster who comes from the commodes and attacks people with fruit (apparently). The bowel demon somehow (the movie isn't clear on this point) makes the two leading losers run from the law, and after fighting off the poo demon with a plunger, some toilet paper, and a pair of boxer shorts, they find themselves in a cave, which it is quickly explained is actually part of the underground railroad. (Ponder this.) They rely on the CGI ghost of a dead slave to guide them through the tunnel (past the doll room and laser abortion area) and to freedom. At some point the army gets involved and reveals that the real problem is that they are under attack by a 5,000 foot tall PMS monster (namely the protagonist female in a bad process shot), and this is all the work of Muslim terrorists. This devolves into a quite sacrilegious and very, very-unfunny anti-religion piece. (Even confirmed atheists will likely be offended.)
They wind up at a house owned by a man in drag who sends them to his inbred relative's house, where a hootenanny is in progress. After some junior high level jokes there, the couple flees through the woods and encounters all of the following things: a giant spider, fighting a giant bat (the bat is summoned by throwing a sock with a softball inside of it at it); a mummy, who advises them to watch out for zombies; the actual zombies, which turn out to be zom-bees: yes, little undead bees which are trapped in a CGI spider web in another fabulous plot twist.
Because I am losing consciousness from the horrors of recollecting this film, let me just mention that in addition to all the above action, there are numerous subplots involving numerous disparate elements, which include, but are not limited to: Monopoly money, the hilarity of being in an insane asylum, Muslim terrorists in amazingly fake beards, lesbian vampirism, a detective with a mullet (who is also a stalker), a cop with a fro who likes to wax philosophical, hatchets made (literally) of cardboard and duct tape (which reminds me of the props from "Geek Maggot Bingo", although "Geek Maggot Bingo" is a much better film), a girl compelled to urinate from the roof of a house (?), a giant eyebrow monster, terrorizing a cat (and the audience) with a banana, and, of course, a CGI snowman who appears to dispense wisdom at inopportune times.
This whole mess appears to have been made in an actual dorm room (and van). This is perhaps the most foolish way I have ever spent a cent of my money. I don't think I could like this movie any less, unless I had to watch it again, in which case, I definitely could. "
Can't say they didn't warn you...
M. Pizzullo | Trenton NJ | 10/29/2005
(2 out of 5 stars)
"I like bad horror movies, so the title alone sold me on this one. It definitely was the worst, or maybe tied with Geek Maggot Bingo...but bingo is alot funnier (intentionially)
It was obviously made by a bunch of Jersey/New York 80's metalheads who never grew up...I'm also one of those people and I still didn't get through it. I fell asleep just after the turd-demon scene. In fact, we all fell asleep...I woke up after the disc ran out to the sound of 3 people snoring. Seriously."
I stopped this when the girl peed off the roof
Jason | Backwater, Alabama | 06/07/2009
(1 out of 5 stars)
"There is no ambiguity in the title of this movie. It is, indeed, the worst horror movie ever made. In fact, I'd say it's in the running for the worst movie ever made. From what little I saw anyway, it's pretty clearly on a lower level than a high school production, maybe even middle school. I'm confident that I could go to any search engine online, headbutt the keyboard, and the results would produce a home-made movie better than this.
The movie starts with a group of the worst actors ever playing poker. It's safe to say that if anyone with an above room temperature IQ were playing with them, they'd all be naked and broke. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, and each character is allowed to talk (big mistake).
The dialogue is stupid, and each character delivers their lines with the panache of Stephen Hawking's voice generator. In fact, I'd say Hawking would have shown more emotion and physical acting skills than any of the performers in this disgrace to film.
Without wasting too much more time, there is a haunted bathroom, or something, and people die when they step on soap, or when in the vicinity of a banana peel. And by die, I mean bad special effects. And by bad special effects, I mean, it's so clearly a watermelon instead of a head that the actor may as well spit a seed.
To anyone reading this review and thinking of watching this or ordering it online, I implore you to think otherwise. There is no way you will enjoy this; I feel confident saying so. Seriously. Even if you like B or C-grade stuff, this is closer to U-grade, and you'll probably want to hurt yourself if you watch even a half hour. If it's in your netflix queue, stop reading immediately and delete it. Go ahead. Do it now."
Stop me before my curiosity gets the best of me!
R. A. Steckling | Edwardsville, IL USA | 07/12/2006
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Hey, I really do have a taste for the truly great movies, the great masterpieces from the beginnings of cinema to the day before yesterday, many of which can be found in my home collection. Unfortunately, along with this (presumably) good taste I also have an interest in and curiosity for the unusual and bizarre, a balance to my best instincts (I guess). There are both good and bad films to be found in the "questionable taste" category (and the "good taste" category,too), but to make a judgment one must sample the offering. It may be a gem, like "Freaks", "Eraserhead" or whatever, but then, it may turn out to be this movie. Its only virtue is that it lives up to its name. I am not offended by much; I wouldn't call this film offensive, even though it tries. I'd just call it uninteresting and pitiful. The barrage of image and dialogue intended to gross out the viewer merely result in viewer fatigue. None of the infantile acting and inept effects produce any shock or even repulsion in the viewer; attempts at humor are puerile. I'm beginning to question the epigram "nothing ventured, nothing lost". Certainly not true of time or money (even if a pittance). "
Lets Face It! The Title Saids It All!!!
Mooviedude "Russ" | florida, usa | 05/16/2005
(3 out of 5 stars)
"Who could resist such a title? When I Saw this in the store I saw it more as a challenge, a gaunlet, dare if you will. It IS the sickest and most depraved thing I have EVER seen. I couldn't believe the truly tackiness of this venture, but on a certain level, it still manages to entertain because you have NO idea where this film is going to go...and how far. This is not for the faint of heart, the squimish, or anyone who enjoyed the movie "The English Patient." It is sick, even by John Waters standards. OK boys and girls you have been warned...now watch if you dare."