A Six Pack Of Bullets, Bombs And Babes!
Mike King | Taunton, MA United States | 03/01/2005
(4 out of 5 stars)
"MALIBU EXPRESS (1985) - 3 STARS
Written and directed by Andy Sidaris, this early effort puts too much emphasis on comic relief and not enough on the action/adventure aspects of the film. Soap opera actor Darby Hinton stars as Cody Abilene, a private investigator who can't shoot straight, can't act, but is irresistible to women. Surrounded by strong, beautiful women, such as Sybil Danning (Contessa Luciana) and Lynda Wiesmeier (June Khnockers), this movie is more reminiscent of a Russ Meyer film than a James Bond thriller. Fortunately, Darby Hinton didn't appear in any more Andy Sidaris movies.
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987) - 4 STARS
This movie introduces the characters of federal agents Donna Hamilton (Playboy Playmate Dona Speir), Taryn (Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton), and Edy Stark (Playboy Playmate Cynthia Brimhall). Donna and Taryn, whose cover is flying an inter-island cargo plane in Hawaii, accidentally intercept a delivery of diamonds intended for drug lord Seth Romero, played by Rodrigo Obregón. They also accidentally let loose a snake infected by toxic waste, with deadly results. (Watch out for an exploding toilet!) Soap opera star Ronn Moss plays agent Rowdy Abilene, another mimbo (male bimbo) federal agent. The Sidaris formula of combining James Bond movies, Playboy videos and exotic travelogues really starts with this movie.
PICASSO TRIGGER (1988) - 5 STARS
Donna Hamilton, Taryn and Edy Stark are back, along with double agent Pantera (Playboy Playmate Roberta Vasquez). Picasso Trigger is the name of a tropical fish, a priceless painting, and the code name of Salazar, the villain of this movie. Soap opera star Steve Bond plays agent Travis Abilene, while Rodrigo Obregón plays bad guy Miguel Ortiz. Miguel has Salazar killed in order to consolidate his power, but you can't keep Picasso Trigger down! The action goes from Paris to Dallas to Hawaii to Las Vegas in this tale of double crosses and surprises. The complicated plot and fast pacing make this one of the best of Andy's movies.
SAVAGE BEACH (1989) - 5 STARS
Donna Hamilton and Taryn team up one last time as federal agents. They receive a call to fly some badly needed vaccine from Molokai to a hospital on another island. On their return flight, a raging storm forces Donna and Taryn to crash land on a remote South Seas island. Gold, which the Japanese had stolen from the Philippines during World War II, just happens to be buried there. At the same time, the U.S. Navy sends a commando unit to the island in search of the gold. Rodrigo Obregón plays Martinez, a representative of the Philippine government who says he wants the gold returned to his country, but really wants the gold for himself. A band of international terrorists, working in conjunction with Martinez, also arrive to turn the remote island into a savage beach!
GUNS (1990) - 4 STARS
Donna Hamilton (Playboy Playmate Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Playboy Playmate Roberta Vasquez) head up the team of L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony And Law) agents. Erik Estrada stars as the villain Juan Degas, also known as Jack of Diamonds. He's a South American gunrunner who uses Hawaii as his base of operations. Juan uses a pair of transvestite hitmen (shades of Ed Wood!) to kill Nicole, but they kill the wrong woman. The action switches to Las Vegas, where Juan utters the immortal line, "A Smith and Wesson beats four aces!" Agents and villains keep getting killed during the course of the film. When Juan has a tough female D.A. kidnapped, who just happens to be Donna Hamilton's mother, he sets in motion the final showdown between himself and Donna.
ENEMY GOLD (1993) - 3 STARS
This movie was written and directed by Andy's son, Christian Drew Sidaris. Christian isn't as accomplished at making movies as Andy is. His father always favored exotic locales, while Christian filmed most of this movie in the woods. Speaking of woods, most of the actors recite their dialogue in a very wooden manner. To be honest, most of them were hired for their physiques and not their acting skills. Only Rodrigo Obregón as the drug lord Santiago, and Julie Strain as hot hitwoman Jewel Panther, can really act. Most disappointing of all, the obligatory love scenes are kept to a (pardon the pun) bare minimum. Where Andy would linger over the love scenes in great detail, Christian rushes through them as quickly as he can to get back to the story. One can only hope that Christian will overcome his tendency towards prematurely finishing these scenes in his future movies!
Each movie is hosted by Andy Sidaris and Julie Strain, and includes audio commentaries by Andy Sidaris and his wife Arlene, who produced the movies. Also, each movie is followed by an "Andy Sidaris Film School" segment, in which Andy and Arlene show how to film action and love scenes. In addition, there are trailers for each movie, still galleries of exclusive photos for each film, and lots of other extras.
A TOTAL OF 24 STARS, DIVIDED BY SIX MOVIES, EQUALS AN AVERAGE RATING FOR THE FILMS OF 4 STARS.