Oh, The Humanity!
Jeffrey Leach | Omaha, NE USA | 09/12/2003
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Don't you just love a good science fiction/action film? You know, one of those movies about a bunch of people zooming around the cosmos in a spaceship who suddenly find themselves in some type of trouble requiring them to land on an unfriendly planet, asteroid, base, moon, or some other celestial body? If you do love those types of movies, and I know I do, then avoid "Convict 762" like the plague. Oh, this movie follows the formula to a T, but "Convict 762" ranks as one of the most boring, illogical, downright idiotic science fiction films to come across my television screen in some time (and that's saying A LOT). Why anyone made this straight to video clunker is beyond me. Somebody named Luca Bercovici directed this dreck, just in case you want to know who is to blame for this nearly two-hour catastrophe. Yep, "Convict 762" is that bad, failing on nearly every level of moviemaking imaginable.The plot: a shipload of ladies flying through space accidentally, due to the incompetence of a crew member, flies into an asteroid field where the ship loses a large amount of its fuel in a collision. Since they no longer have enough power to get back to base, the captain of the vessel, named Niles and played by Shannon Sturges, decides to land at a penal colony in order to repair and refuel the ship. There is a lot of grumbling about this decision, with some blather about other ships avoiding this place like the plague, but Niles throws caution to the wind and heads into disaster. As the ship drifts down to the prison, the crewmembers spot two guys fighting each other in weird spacesuits. Failing to raise anyone on the radio, intrepid Captain Niles continues on, managing to break up the fight by bumping one of the guys with the space ship (!) before landing. Soon there is some story about a prison riot resulting in massive fatalities because "convict 762" went on a rampage. References made throughout the movie speak about how this convict is beyond human in his capacity for killing, he's death, he's disease, and all that stuff. Needless to say, Niles and company pick up both of these guys without any idea which one is 762. That's what the whole movie revolves around: who is convict 762 and will the crew discover the truth before he goes on another killing spree.The biggest problem with "Convict 762," apart from the terrible acting, atrocious script, molasses-like pacing, and cheesy CGI effects, is the infinite stupidity shown by Niles and the crew. This movie simply possesses no logic to speak of, as Niles repeatedly makes decisions that are the height of idiocy. When the killings start, she blithely sends crewmembers off to their deaths by letting people separate from the group. One member of the ship's crew is a real troublemaker, but Niles continually lets her roam about so she can cause further havoc on her fellow shipmates. The worst decision Niles makes occurs at the end of the film, and is so moronic that I simply could not believe my eyes. It is obvious the director threw this in just so the film could have a little nudity. "Convict 762" reeks of inanity from top to bottom.The question that continually arose in my mind while I watched this movie (it should have been "why am I watching this?") was why Billy Drago agreed to co-star in this wretched project. If you are familiar with Drago, and you will be as soon as you see him, he always plays great onscreen villains. In "Convict 762," he plays Mannix, one of the guys Niles picks up from the penal colony. Usually, Drago is fascinating to watch, but here he is largely wasted in an unsatisfying role. By the way, how is it possible for Mannix to be on fire for nearly five minutes and then suddenly arise, ready for combat? Maybe I should not ask questions that have no answers. The other guy character, Frank Zagarino, is downright offensive to even the basest sensibilities in the role of Vigo. In fact, every character endlessly grated on my nerves. There is a scene in one of the "Wayne's World" films where Garth hears a Kenny G song and undergoes a flashback about a painful trip to the dentist. When I think about "Convict 762" now, I have a slightly different type of flashback, a flashback to grade school when a fellow student raked his fingernails down a chalkboard. That's the only sensation I can equate with viewing "Convict 762."Will Niles and company escape the wrath of convict 762? I didn't care if anyone made it in the end and neither will you after surviving this film. Actually, I would rather fight convict 762 armed only with a Q-Tip than watch this movie again. This picture is just a bad, unentertaining quagmire of a movie that should deeply offend anyone who appreciates the science fiction genre. There are good, low budget sci-fi films out there, but one usually has to wade through movies like this to find them. What a shame."
A so-so sci-fi thriller that's 20 minutes too long
Steve Miller | 12/18/2000
(2 out of 5 stars)
"'Convict 762' centers on a scavenger starship crew that consists entirely of beautiful women that's forced to seek out a penal colony (insert pun here) in order to refuel. They discover the colony has been all but destroyed by a riot, and that one of the two surviving men is a dangerous prisoner known as Convict 762. The heroines and the plot stumble along from this point.While 'Convict 762' has okay special effects and set construction for what is most assuredly a low-budget effort, pretty good actiing all around, and delivers some tense moments, these positives are overwhelmed by insipid dialogue and characters who behave in such idiotic fashion that there is no doubt they are natural blondes. Of course, characters behaving stupidly in movies where monsters and killers are stalking them is not unusual for a film. However, 'Convict 762' goes well beyond the boundaries of what is typically found. One of the main characters behaves so stupidly in the last 10-20 minutes of the film that I knocked a star off for it.If you think you might enjoy a film that's an 'Alien'-light packed with braless women in tank-tops but burdened with a failed effort to deliver a Message, you might consider ordering this one. However, I advise you to stop the tape after the scene in sickbay, following the fight in the cargo bay and just picture in your mind's eye that the space ship takes off and flies away. While you'll miss a gratuitous love scene, you will come away with a much better impression of how good this film is.Watch it to the end at your own peril. You'll never get those minutes of your life back."
Six Women Visit A Penal Colony In Space...I Don't Even Need
Robert I. Hedges | 06/08/2010
(2 out of 5 stars)
""Convict 762" is a low-budget straight to video (and cable television) production featuring yet another tortuous "escape from a space penitentiary" plot. Six attractive women are flying a salvage ship through space, although they are not an ideal crew as they do nothing but bicker, argue, and scream at each other. Let me say at the outset that I am generously giving the movie two stars for having relatively decent spaceship sets (although the CGI is wretched) for a film of this genre. It doesn't hurt that the women are attractive, although in general the director, Luca Bercovici, for the most part doesn't take the cheap way out and have them in spacey loungewear and the like, so I have to admire his purity of vision, if not the direction of the film.
The film starts when the slacker hottie navigation officer Reno (Tawny Fere) decides not to do her job and as a result the ship plows through a hilariously bad asteroid field, or field of something, anyway: the effects were so ludicrous it was never clear what they were transiting, or in what dimension it was in. The effects and acting did make me laugh, though, so in that sense, the movie was entertaining. For some technical reason due to the asteroids, Captain Niles decides to dump eighty percent of her fuel, thus making a refueling stop necessary. And all because little miss troublemaker didn't figure out the coordinates right; this results in the lamest chewing-out and pep talk from a Captain imaginable.
As they land on the penal colony, they discover there are only two survivors, and they are battling each other that look like intergalactic hockey equipment, and to break it up Niles elects to "dust them off," meaning she knocks one of them over with the enormous spaceship when she lands; this is the most hilarious scene in the film (and there are many unintentionally humorous scenes here.) This whole refueling stop had me wondering several things. Among my questions: why would any governmental entity co-locate a refueling stop and a maximum security prison; and, why would anyone design a facility to refuel spacecraft that is thousands of feet under the surface of the planet, requiring the ship to fly a gyrating descent onto a platform far below the planet's crust?
The ladies promptly capture one of the fighting guys, Vigo (Frank Zagarino,) who they find cute and question intensely. He spins this tale about how there was an uprising and that only two men are left, which it turns out is not technically true, as several men are killed while they are on the planet ("these men were butchered minutes ago,") but that's a minor plot hole. He claims he's a law enforcement official, and the other one is Convict 762, the worst of the worst. Vigo is really into overacting but is soon eclipsed by the generally competent thespian Billy Drago as Mannix. Vigo and Mannix have a lifelong deep-seated rivalry to out-act each other, and Bercovici gives them all the latitude they need to ham it up, especially in rambling flashback scenes and monologues about blood and death. You'll get the picture pretty quickly.
Of course Mannix tells the women that he's the cop and Vigo is 762. It doesn't make a lot of difference as the women repeatedly make stupid decisions (wandering off and getting slain, etc.) and spend much of the time fighting among themselves. The question of who the real criminal is becomes central to the plot as soon as we meet Mannix, and frankly, there are good arguments on both sides of the coin (providing yet another reason for the second star in my rating.) In a supremely foolish demonstration of the women's incompetence (you will have to see the scene to believe it,) Mannix gets a hostage and a gun, and after numerous twists and turns, and a lot of carnage, we are still no closer to knowing the truth than we were to start with. This had potential for suspense, but the overacting and excessive unuseful flashbacks were so distracting that audience interest is rapidly diminished.
In the end it comes down to the two guys and Niles in the ship: here the pretty girl fights off a psycho in space (where no one can hear you boo) rather than an alien. In this case we don't learn the truth until the most visually interesting scene in the movie, during which Niles finally figures out the truth. Or has she?
The movie is quite lame overall. The acting was unbelievably over-the-top and I have to think a lot of that was due to the directing received, as Drago normally acquits himself adequately. (What was he doing here?) The spaceship interiors were decent, and there was some tension generated by the question of who was the good guy, and who Convict 762 actually was, but that's really all that it has going for it. In the end, the movie is derivative and often boring (it's 100 minutes long.) If you must see every prisoner in space movie, go for it; otherwise feel free to give "Convict 762" a pass."