Inspector Gadget | On the trail of Doctor Claw | 03/31/2004
(1 out of 5 stars)
"There are people out there who will greenlight anything! That is the only explanation I can offer as to why the House of the Dead movie exists. And that's only scary part to the whole movie. It's so bad you'll go off movies forever. I seriously wanted to switch this off and turn the TV over to the Paint Drying channel but I was bound by my word to suffer the whole thing. I don't know why I do these bad things to myself.As if it matters, here's the basic jist of the 'story'. A group of twenty-somethings are so desperate to go out to some island in the Pacific Northwest (Canada actually, because it's cheap) for the 'Rave of the Century' (which consists of about 8 people and un-raving music) that they pay some craggy old fisherman $1000 to take them there after they miss the main ferry. That's gotta be some rave to be worth all that dough! The fisherman warns them that the island is also known as the Island of the Dead (hang on-I thought this was HOUSE of the Dead?) and that they are all doomed yadda yadda yadda.First faults here. Why would a tiny little rave (of the Century my foot!) be held on some remote island? Why would anyone willingly pay loads of money to get it? Why pay even more to the craggy old fisherman to take them back when they could just come back with the others?Once they arrive they discover that the rave (which consists of about 2 tents, a small stage and a port-a-john) has been smashed, there's blood everywhere and no one is around. What would any rationally thinking person do? Run for their lives of course. But no, these clueless, obviously blind people decide to go look for them. Soon enough they discover an old ramshackle house that's 50 times as big on the inside as it is on the outside. Another half hour of stumbling around in the forest follows, as an excuse to kill of some of the lesser characters, and after much tedium they arrive back at the house again. The characters, like the movie, go nowhere.Jammed into this ghastly disaster is a superabundance of gibberish dialogue, heinous acting, mumbo-jumbo exposition and zillions of clips from the once-popular arcade game of the same name. Why this was universally accepted as a good idea with the filmmakers I'll never know. The clips have no reference to any of the scenes and only degrade this trash even further, if that is at all possible.It has nothing to do with the game save for some cheap, throwaway line at the end. It makes Resident Evil look like cinematic glory. Hell, even the Double Dragon movie seems multi-Oscar worthy in comparison to this junk. The only one who comes out of this with his dignity still intact is Jurgen Prochnow. He could have just taken his money and ran but he tries his best with the awful script and brings a tiny bit of pathos to his character. The rest of the cast suck I'm afraid. The characters are idiots and deserve to die.Plus, if you cut out the swearing and pointless nudity, I see no reason why this film cannot be shown on Saturday morning TV. It's not frightening in the slightest. Pirates of the Caribbean is more scary than the skeletal bad guys in this film. And where did all those bad guys come from anyway? There were only a few people on the island to begin with. I guess this justifies the reason they chose to reuse footage over and over. I kid you not, you'll see the same zombie die a dozen times.Who's ultimately to blame for that scandalous waste of celluloid? None other than director Uwe Boll. His control over the movie is non-existent. You can clearly the see actors have no idea what they should be doing and that the zombies aren't really taking it all seriously. The actors seem like they're reading off cue cards as they constantly pause in the middle of long sentences and carry on talking as soon as they see the next card. It all feels very unnatural.
Plus the film is shot like a two-part mini-series. I have indeed seen better TV productions. And don't get me started on the editing. The film is an incoherent babble with thousands upon thousands of pointless shots and dozens of meaningless camera pans. No real skill or talent was put into making this at all. It truly baffles and boggles the mind how movies this unfathomably bad can get made and George A. Romero can't even get anyone to take his calls. House of the Dead makes some idiotic reference to Romero in a lazy attempt to be 'post-modern' but it only irritates that they think THIS is in the same league as a REAL zombie movie.For what it's worth, the 1.85:1 anamorphic picture looks great and the Dolby 5.1 soundtrack is clean but very unimpressive and only serves to pronounce the heavily over-used ADR even more. The DVD comes with extras but why torture yourself. Isn't this review warning enough? Stay away! You are all doomed I tell you! Doomed! Doomed!!!"
I'm Braindead after watching this sorry movie
S. M. Anderson | Lithia Springs, GA | 11/18/2004
(1 out of 5 stars)
"I want to know if the reviewers who gave this movie a 3,4,5 rating saw the same movie I did. This movie does not deserve a rating above zero, but being that it has to be rated anything above a 1 is too much!!!
There is nothing in this movie that is good at all. House of the Dead is actually a Sega video game, that was made into a movie. Just watch the game while you play it, trust me it's better then this cinematic piece of garbage. House of the Dead starts off with some young adults trying to go to an island where a wild rave is. What they don't know is the rave has suddenly been taken over by some relentless zombie. The party goers are warned that they should not go to the island, but they flash $1,000 bucks and the captain is willing to take them. During the party scene you get to see some scantily clad women, and a topless woman that has nothing to do with the plot at all. Just some senseless eye candy for the fellas. When the young group arrive to the Rave they wonder if they missed the party and go in searching to see if they can find anyone.
The action is somewhat okay, but the lines are so corny all I could do is groan. "Who said size does not matter" as the captain hold his weapon of choice. "Mine is bigger", officer bad actress would retort. I told you corny lines!!! When Howard's character is trying to give one of the female characters a cross for protection her line is "It's all right I'm on the pill" pathetic!!!!
Mixed in the story line is something weak about a slave ship. There is this guy who wants to live forever. He created some kind of formula for that purpose, but the downside is you will be a stupid, kung-fu fighting, quick moving zombie.
When I watch a horror movie I want to see the gore, and the action behind the killings. Folks are dying in this film but you don't see it. This movie is not scary, its not entertaining, it's not thrilling. The acting is terrible, the lines are corny, and the plot is simply pathetic. Why did some of the zombies not look like zombies? The make up team must have ran out of make up. How is it that Kirk lights a cigarette in his boat, it's raining, then in the next shot it' not raining, and then it' raining again the shot after that? Did the rain machine malfunction? The police woman tells Greg to come with her to hunt for zombies, and when the zombies appear she tells Greg to run. Why hunt them if you are going to run? Stupid, stupid, and more stupid. I actually liked the swimming zombies. In the actual game the zombies do swim. One thing that was very annoying were the scenes where the actual game was included. It was stupid, and it took away from watching the movie. Not that it really mattered being the whole movie was so lousy anyway.
If you want to watch a good zombie movies please rent one of the following: Night of the Living Dead Dawn of the Dead Return of the Living Dead 1, 2, 3 Resident Evil
If you wan to see a good video game turned into a movie watch Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat 2.
Don't buy this movie, don't rent this movie. This is one time where you see a lot of bad reviews that you should actually take heed. PLEASE DON'T WATCH THIS SORRY FILM!!! The only horror about this film is watching it in its entirety. I feel bad for anyone who spent money to add this sorry movie to their DVD collection.
A. Santona | Batavia, IL USA | 03/22/2006
(1 out of 5 stars)
"...this movie sucked. Shall I elaborate? Wow, um....hmmmm...
-The incessant cutaways to the video game to show that we're watching a movie based on a video game could be timed and were increasingly infuriating. -The acting, if you can call it that, was...well no, you can't call it that. -The story was....... -...There is no story. -I spent half of the movie trying to figure out where I've seen Ellie Cornell before (Halloween 4 & 5). -What the hell's going on with the 360 degree pan on EACH SEPERATE CHARACTER in the 10+ minute shooting sequence?! -Why, at first can you only kill the zombies by shooting them in the head, then 10 minutes later kill them by shooting them anywhere, including the leg or other random appendage? -Why...am I wasting my time?"
Award for WORST MOVIE of all time
Duxman | Virginia, USA | 03/07/2006
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Being big zombie fans, my girlfriend and I walked into this movie with high expectations. Mistake #1 - especially since this is directed by Uwe "best director ever" Boll. This movie which encompasses scenes from the video game of characters spinning around to die and the screen turning red - is quite possibly the worst movie of all time.
In fact, it has been 10 years since I walked out of a movie theatre and we did walk out of this pile of garbage. I will - the memory could be erased from my mind. Do not waste your time. Boycott all of Uwe's movies before its too late. Run, run fast from this DVD. The sequel is decent."
Why did Uwe Boll make this film? TO LIVE FOREVER!
KingV | United States | 10/26/2005
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Uwe Boll has become immortal and will be mentioned for generations to come for making one of the worst films of all time. The plot, acting, FX, and dialog are laughable. I do find this film entertaining because it makes me laugh until tears are streaming down my cheeks. I agree with many other reviewers that the line, "You did all of this to become immortal, why?" "To live forever." is quite possibly the stupidest dialog exchange in film history. Other moments that make me laugh are: When the federal agent pulls an assault rifle out of Kirk's weapon box that is way too long to be in there, the kung-fu styling of Liberty, the lame matrix rip-off bullet time shots, and the zombie chuckling during the anti-climatic sword duel. The "not so" special effects are hilarious. I will always wonder what they were thinking while making this garbage. This is a fun movie to watch just for being so lame and laughable. Also, the scene with Smallville's Erica Durance at the beach is worth a view."