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Taras Bulba [Blu-ray] (2014) NR
Director: J. Lee Thompson
Actors: Tony Curtis, Yul Brynner, Christine Kaufmann
Release Year: 2014

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/7/2025 4:44 PM
"Back in the day of real sets, real costumes, large groups of real actors and extras vs. the current CGI. Feels like a true story but it was not and based on a novel. A must watch!"

Taras Bulba (2014) NR
Directors: Tony Curtis, Yul Brynner, Christine Kaufmann
Actors: Tony Curtis, Yul Brynner, Christine Kaufmann
Release Year: 2014

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/7/2025 4:44 PM
"Back in the day of real sets, real costumes, large groups of real actors and extras vs. the current CGI. Feels like a true story but it was not and based on a novel. A must watch!"

Taras Bulba (2008) PG-13
Director: J. Lee Thompson
Actors: Tony Curtis, Yul Brynner, Sam Wanamaker
Release Year: 2008

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/7/2025 4:44 PM
"Back in the day of real sets, real costumes, large groups of real actors and extras vs. the current CGI. Feels like a true story but it was not and based on a novel. A must watch!"

Stephen King's The Langoliers

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 6:32 PM
"On a red-eye flight to Boston from Los Angeles, 10 people wake up to a shock: All of the other passengers and crew have vanished. When they try to contact the ground they make no connections. They land the plane only to discover that things haven't changed, but it's like the world is dead. Nobody's there, the air is still, sound doesn't echo, the food is tasteless, and a distant sound comes closer and closer. A race of monstrous beings bent on their destruction is heading for them, eating everything in sight."

Game Change
Director: Jay Roach
Actors: Ed Harris, Julianne Moore, Woody Harrelson

Review by: Sharon F. (Shar) - 7/6/2025 4:10 PM
"Very interesting historical movie about the McCain/Palin election in 2008. The acting was truly believable and well done."

Great Gatsby, The (Special Edition)(DVD)

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 12:23 PM
"Midwest native Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) arrives in 1922 New York in search of the American dream. Nick, a would-be writer, moves in next-door to millionaire Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) and across the bay from his cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her philandering husband, Tom (Joel Edgerton). Thus, Nick becomes drawn into the captivating world of the wealthy and -- as he bears witness to their illusions and deceits -- pens a tale of impossible love, dreams, and tragedy."

The Great Gatsby [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray] [Blu-ray]

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 12:23 PM
"Midwest native Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) arrives in 1922 New York in search of the American dream. Nick, a would-be writer, moves in next-door to millionaire Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) and across the bay from his cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her philandering husband, Tom (Joel Edgerton). Thus, Nick becomes drawn into the captivating world of the wealthy and -- as he bears witness to their illusions and deceits -- pens a tale of impossible love, dreams, and tragedy."

The Great Gatsby LIMITED EDITION Blu-ray / DVD / Ultraviolet Includes BONUS Featurette

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 12:22 PM
"Midwest native Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) arrives in 1922 New York in search of the American dream. Nick, a would-be writer, moves in next-door to millionaire Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) and across the bay from his cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her philandering husband, Tom (Joel Edgerton). Thus, Nick becomes drawn into the captivating world of the wealthy and -- as he bears witness to their illusions and deceits -- pens a tale of impossible love, dreams, and tragedy."

The Great Gatsby (Blu-ray 3d+ Blu-ray+dvd+ultraviolet)
Director: Baz Luhrmann's
Actors: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 12:21 PM
"Midwest native Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) arrives in 1922 New York in search of the American dream. Nick, a would-be writer, moves in next-door to millionaire Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) and across the bay from his cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her philandering husband, Tom (Joel Edgerton). Thus, Nick becomes drawn into the captivating world of the wealthy and -- as he bears witness to their illusions and deceits -- pens a tale of impossible love, dreams, and tragedy."

The Great Gatsby

Review by: Whitney B. (whitneyab) - 7/6/2025 12:21 PM
"Midwest native Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) arrives in 1922 New York in search of the American dream. Nick, a would-be writer, moves in next-door to millionaire Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) and across the bay from his cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her philandering husband, Tom (Joel Edgerton). Thus, Nick becomes drawn into the captivating world of the wealthy and -- as he bears witness to their illusions and deceits -- pens a tale of impossible love, dreams, and tragedy."

Heart Eyes - DVD + Digital R
Directors: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado
Actors: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/5/2025 1:55 PM
"Solid shocking start but then the fizzle effect came into play. Fast and Furious' Jordana Brewster is in this with a different role. They took themes from well-known horror flicks."

Heart Eyes - Blu-ray + Digital (2025) R
Directors: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado
Actors: Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado
Release Year: 2025

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/5/2025 1:55 PM
"Solid shocking start but then the fizzle effect came into play. Fast and Furious' Jordana Brewster is in this with a different role. They took themes from well-known horror flicks."

The Retirement Plan [Blu-Ray] (2023) R
Directors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Actors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Release Year: 2023

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/5/2025 1:54 PM
"Big fan of Nicolas Cage but this was lame!"

The Retirement Plan [DVD] (2023) R
Directors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Actors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Release Year: 2023

Review by: K. K. (GAMER) - 7/5/2025 1:54 PM
"Big fan of Nicolas Cage but this was lame!"

The Retirement Plan [DVD] (2023) R
Directors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Actors: Tim Brown, Nicolas Cage, Ashley Greene
Release Year: 2023

Review by: Sharon F. (Shar) - 7/5/2025 11:22 AM
"Lots of laughs and shooting in this great movie. Some twists and turns that keep you on your toes."

The American Society of Magical Negroes (Blu-Ray + Digital) (2024)
Directors: Kobi Libii, Justice Smith, David Alan-Grier
Actors: Kobi Libii, Justice Smith, David Alan-Grier
Release Year: 2024

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:12 AM
"Harry Potter meets social justice in "The American Society of Magical N*groes" (trying to be FB-safe here), a new film written and directed by Kobi Libii, a mostly-TV actor making his directing debut here.

The film was...okay? B-, C+ maybe...the film is about, you guessed it, a magical group of black folks who warp around trying to make white people's lives better, figuring the happier white people are, the safer black people are. Great premise, but the film lacks a certain edge required of any story meant to generate thought or conversation about social justice.

The film's basic flaw is in its writing. Conversations are flat and boring, and don't tackle important social issues until essentially the very end of the film. The two leads (Justice Smith and An-Li Bogan) have pretty good chemistry, but were given too much irrelevant dialogue to make watching their on-screen interactions enjoyable or engaging.

I think I might be biased against this film having recently watched the incredibly powerful and well-made "Origin," which I highly recommend."

The 39 Steps (2000) Unrated
Director: Alfred Hitchcock
Actors: Robert Donat, Madeleine Carroll, Lucie Mannheim
Release Year: 2000

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:11 AM
"How do you define "old movie"?

Today I watched Alfred Hitchcock's 1935 film "The 39 Steps" starring Robert Donat and Madeleine Carroll who spend a good chunk of the movie handcuffed together. Hitchcock made a *lot* of movies between 1925 and 1976, so you can consider this an "early" Hitchcock but it still shows surprising maturity for an "old movie."

It's got all the classic elements - spies, murder, cops, sexual tension, one or two pretty good chase sequences, a healthy dose of comedy, and a happy ending for our protagonist. I won't go into the details of the plot - they're largely incidental anyway - the real point of the movie is the interplay between Donat and Carroll. They're no Nick & Nora Charles, but they're enjoyable enough to watch.

I define an "old movie" as anything made from the dawn of cinema through the end of the Hays Code (1934-1968). The limitations placed on filmmakers forced them to approach certain aspects of real life from artificial angles, but I appreciate the creativity this required. I would imagine 39 Steps was somewhat shocking to audiences of the day - in the opening sequence, a woman straight-up asks a man she does not know if she can go home with him. I'm not sure how common that was in those days (in reel life or real life), but I'm curious how the Hays Code enforcers responded to that scene. (The fact that the film was produced in Scotland may have been a factor.)

The only real downside to old movies, for me, is the sound. I'll watch a movie that's grainy or out of focus, but if the sound is bad I'll bail out. Some of these old movies...oof, they're hard on the ears. I wonder if there's a way to clean up the audio tracks, but I'm not holding my breath.

Grade: straight B."

Disobedience [Blu-ray]

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:06 AM
""Disobedience" is a 2017 film about three childhood friends in a London Orthodox Jewish community: Esti (Rachel McAdams), a closeted lesbian who in the past has had a clandestine relationship with Ronit (Rachel Weisz), a bisexual woman who is shunned for said relationship and has made her way to New York to become a successful photographer, and Dovid (Alessandro Nivola), an up-and-coming rabbi who has married Esti.

The film opens following the death of Ronit's father, the head rabbi in the community. Ronit has been gone for so long that people are shocked when she comes back for the funeral - even her father's official obituary lists him as "childless."

Her surprise return rekindles feelings that Esti has long been suppressing. It's a fairly straightforward story: desires burn, kisses are stolen, vows are tested, ambitions are threatened, frustrations mount, hotel rooms are rented.

A lesbian friend of mine once complained that movies about lesbians rarely have happy endings, and she's probably right (Cate Blanchett's "Carol" and the recent "Love Lies Bleeding" being two notable examples to the contrary). I wouldn't call the end of Disobedience "happy," but it's realistic - everyone comes to terms with the decisions they've made, and there is mutual understanding and acceptance between all three main characters. The women understand that their choices weren't made in a vacuum, and all three experience the consequences and repercussions thereof. The ending is also left open to a wide degree of interpretation - is the state of things at the end of the film the way things will be later in time? Perhaps, perhaps not.

A pretty good movie overall, enjoyable, nothing Earth-shattering. Oh and Robert Smith makes a cameo appearance.

Grade: B"

The Hollars [Blu-ray] (2016)
Director: John Krasinski
Actors: Anna Kendrick, John Krasinski, Richard Jenkins
Release Year: 2016

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:04 AM
"John Krasinski has had a pretty terrific career since the end of The Office. Having directed a couple episodes and an indie ("Brief Interviews with Hideous Men"), he hit it big with his "Quiet Place" series, and has an animated feature "IF" coming soon.

In 2016 Krasinski directed and starred in "The Hollars," which can be summed up thusly: "Miscommunication: The Movie." The screenwriter, Jim Strouse, specializes in broken families. His works include "Grace is Gone" (about a father of two whose wife has died in Iraq), and "People Places Things" (about a divorced father of two navigating the dating scene again).

In "The Hollars," the broken family in question consists of parents Don (Richard Jenkins) and Sally (Margo Martindale), their live-in son Ron (Sharlto Copley) who's divorced and does not have custody of his two daughters, and somewhat-estranged son John (Krasinski) who lives far away with his pregnant girlfriend Rebecca (Anna Kendrick). When Sally is diagnosed with a brain tumor, John and Rebecca come back to town to support the family.

At the outset, it seems as if these characters don't know how to be honest with themselves or each other. It's a common screenwriting trope - the entire plot would've been avoided had two people had a conversation the way two real people probably would have.

It's never quite clear why John went away or remained aloof for so long; his parents seem like decent people despite the fuck-up Ron has become. But without explanation or real motivation, the characters suddenly learn how to be better people and better communicators, setting up the bittersweet ending which feels manufactured.

There are some entertaining moments, and Krasinski did a decent enough job with the material he was given. Script needs a once-over though. RIP Carrie Fisher...

Grade: C+

Post-script: I want to say a word about Margo Martindale. I love when she shows up in a movie and I want to see more of her. But let's list the ways Margo has died in movies:

Walk Hard: fell out of a window, then head crushed by a radio playing one of her son's songs.

Cocaine Bear: eaten by a bear high on cocaine. (The bear, not her.)

The Hollars: complications following brain cancer surgery.

I'm going to try to find a film where Margo lives, dammit.

Post-post-script: Krasinski actually made the bold choice in this film to play two roles: John Hollar, and Dr. Fong, oncologist."

I Smile Back (2016) R
Release Year: 2016

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:03 AM
"Oftentimes, comedians become comedians as an act of self-defense and self-preservation. Comedy becomes a shield against trauma of varying intensity. (Kevin Pollak even made a whole documentary about this phenomenon, "Misery Loves Comedy.")

As a result, comedians often turn in phenomenal performances in dramatic roles. Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, etc. They embody the tragicomedy of life the way few others can.

In 2015, Sarah Silverman appeared in "I Smile Back."

Holy.

Shit.

The emotional impact of this film and Silverman's performance cannot be overstated. Silverman plays Laney Brooks, suburban wife and mother of two. Her husband Bruce (Josh Charles, who you saw in Dead Poets Society way back when) is an insurance salesman, and apparently a hugely successful one judging by the size of their house. Laney has "a perfect life."

So why does she snort cocaine, hide liquor bottles around the house, and have extramarital affairs? Why is she so self-destructive? Some backstory is given, and it's understandable why Laney is as fearful and anxiety-ridden as she is. Was she pressured into marriage? into motherhood? It's clear she regrets her decisions but isn't capable of following through with them. She's terrified of being needed.

There's not a complex story here, and the film, like Lacey, starts to fall apart in its second half (namely with the introduction of Laney's estranged and poorly-written father, played by Chris Sarandon). But it remains riveting and raw throughout its 85-minute run time. I would love to see Sarah Silverman in more dramatic roles - this is definitely not the same Sarah Silverman who won an Emmy for fucking Matt Damon.

Grade: B

P.S. I also want to shout out to the late Barry Crimmins's autobiographical documentary "Call Me Lucky." This one follows in the theme of trauma-based comedy, and Barry's story will absolutely blow you away."

Joshy [DVD + Digital] (2016) R
Release Year: 2016

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:03 AM
"Jeff Baena is an interesting director who makes lovely little movies. They're not all great, but they're never bad, and his accomplishments as a writer/director are inspiring to wannabes like myself. His offerings include "Life After Beth" (a spin on zombie movies), "Horse Girl" (a mild psychological character study), "Spin Me Round" (an excuse to take his cast to Italy), and my personal favorite, "The Little Hours" which I cannot praise highly enough.

Baena's sophomore work is 2016's "Joshy," starring (deep breath) Thomas Middleditch, Nick Kroll, Brett Gelman, Jenny Slate, Aubrey Plaza, Joe Swanberg, Alison Brie, Paul Reiser, and more. I list these folks out for two reasons: one, because they're all immensely talented and it's great to see them all in one movie, and two, because they all appear in most of Baena's movies. So, if you don't like them in one configuration, maybe you'll like them in another.

(Again, as a wannabe, I make an effort to use *different* actors in each short film that I shoot, give different folks a shot, spread the opportunity around. But I completely understand casting the same people over and over again in features. When you're spending 10-12 hours a day with people for 3-6 weeks at a stretch, you want to make sure they're people you like and can rely on.)

"Joshy" begins with a suicide. Joshy's (Middleditch) fiancee Rachel (Brie) suddenly hangs herself in their apartment. Joshy is heartbroken, of course, but he also has a remote cabin reserved for his bachelor party in four months that he either can't cancel or chooses not to. So, four months later, Joshy hosts a get-together with his friends Ari (Adam Pally), Adam (Alex Ross Perry, channeling Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds), and Eric (Kroll). Subdued antics ensue, including meeting Eric's aggressively-funny friend Greg (Gelman) whose demeanor takes a turn when he learns about Rachel, and Jodi (Slate), a woman who can't seem to keep her keys or phone within eyesight and who develops a mutual crush on Ari, despite his being married.

Others soon show up - Aaron (Swanberg), who brings a well-intentioned reality check to the group. Adam meets Jen (Plaza) but makes a critical error in the name of couch maintenance. Eric decides to liven up the party by hiring strippers which gives Greg an emotional epiphany.

You spend the movie wondering when Joshy is going to blow up, and he does of course, and Middleditch does a pretty good job of selling it. But it's not overblown - Baena is wise enough to keep it simple, and moves on to the film's conclusion.

The only part of the film I didn't really buy is the subplot with Rachel's parents, who are convinced that Joshy is somehow responsible for her death. They come across as overly-accusatory and under-bereaved.

But it's still a decent little film - I'd place it above Life After Beth and Spin Me Round, below Horse Girl, and way below The Little Hours. Please see The Little Hours.

Grade: B-minus"

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Special Edition) [Blu-ray] (2018)
Director: Stephen Chiodo
Actors: Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder, John Allen Nelson
Release Year: 2018

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:02 AM
"In 2004, the Chiodo Brothers (Stephen, Charles, and Edward) contributed their puppetry skills to Trey Parker's "Team America: World Police," a film which ranks in the upper-echelon of all-time comedy greats, alongside Airplane!, A Fish Called Wanda, The Big Lebowski, Superbad, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Walk Hard, and Blazing Saddles.

Why then am I reviewing a 1988 film called "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"?

Variety, I suppose. Gimme a break, even I have my limits when it comes to weepy family melodramas!

Killer Klowns is the Chiodo Brothers' first feature-length film, having cut their teeth on the first two "Critters" movies and numerous short films in the late 60s/early 70s. And it's really...quite bad. Shocker, I know.

You can forgive a silly premise and campy execution - Rocky Horror is a cult classic despite these elements (or maybe because of them). Killer Klowns is also a cult film but not nearly to the same degree of popularity or enjoyment - theater companies don't put on revivals of Killer Klowns. People don't don rubber noses and go to midnight screenings of Killer Klowns.

What separates Killer Klowns from Rocky Horror is poor pacing and clunky editing. It commits three fundamental errors:

1) Too much "air" between lines of dialogue. It's a tightrope walk, admittedly - you don't want actors stepping on each others' lines, but you also don't want to make it sound like the actor can't remember their next line and it take them a second to recall it. Killer Klowns falls into this latter trap.

2) Leaving too many frames at the start or end of a scene. Again, another tightrope walk - you want scenes to breathe and you don't want to rush from one scene to the next (looking at you, Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet), but the editing in Killer Klowns feels like they knew the movie was too short and needed to pad it out a bit. Every frame helps!

3) Lack of variety in framing of shots. This is an easy trap to fall into when making an effects-heavy but low-budget film - they couldn't afford to build huge Tim Burton-esque sets, so every shot is a close-up or medium showing just enough set decoration to *imply* a huge Tim Burton-esque set without actually showing it. There are a couple of wides, but they're too few and far between.

And then of course there's a patina of 80s humor - racial stereotypes, boob jokes, etc. Pretty low-brow stuff that didn't help the situation at all.

There's also the question of what these killer clowns from outer space want. And why are they even clowns in the first place? Like maybe the humans could've used some creative circus-based defense against the cl--oh, whatever.

All the creativity is wrapped up in the clown costumes, but there wasn't enough left over to make a good movie.

Grade: straight D

Oh, P.S. - I would be remiss to not mention the presence of John Vernon, better known as Dean Wormer from Animal House. Due to his performance in this film I'm putting him on double-secret probation. Acting in 80s B movies is no way to go through life, son.

P.P.S. - I'm reading that the Chiodos are hard at work on "The Return of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space in 3D." We'll see what filmmaking lessons they've learned in the last 30 years."

LA LA Land [Blu-ray]
Director: Damien Chazelle
Actor: Emma Stone Ryan Gosling

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:00 AM
"So I FINALLY watched "La La Land."

Let me start by saying I have a special affinity for movies about movies. Robert Altman's "The Player" is at the top of my list, followed by Giuseppe Tornatore's "Cinema Paradiso." La La Land is less about the process of making (or projecting) movies and more about the struggles of everyday artists trying to make it big in L.A., but I'm still wondering why I waited so long to see it.

The second thing I want to talk about is Emma Stone. Is it too early to call her this generation's Meryl Streep? Four Oscar nominations and two wins...I don't think it's too early at all. Her third collaboration with Yorgos Lanthimos (The Favourite, Poor Things) is coming this summer and I will be first in line. She knows how to keep it low-key. She knows to emote without overdoing it, and then knows how and when to dial it up. She makes it feel incredibly real.

The third thing I want to talk about is Damien Chazelle. This young man has made some *impressive* films - Whiplash, La La Land, First Man, all bangers. Chazelle embodies the undeniable truth that in film, sound is more important than the visual. People much smarter than I have analyzed in sheer wonder the sound design and editing in Chazelle's films. You can see a scene from a Spielberg film and know immediately it's a Spielberg film just from the style; you could probably do the same thing listening to an audio clip of a Chazelle.

So, about La La Land. Did it deserve the six Oscars (of 14 noms) it received? I'll say yes, but I definitely think it should've won for Sound Mixing and Sound Editing as well (which it lost to Hacksaw Ridge and Arrival respectively). I'm no expert, just biased (although I love Arrival and think it should've won Best Picture over Moonlight).

La La Land is, at points, more spectacle than story, and the "conflict" that arises between the two main characters is again something that two normal people would just have an adult conversation about and go on with their relationship. The film is certainly an enjoyable "throwback" to Hollywood musicals - "they don't make 'em like this anymore" - but you could probably trim a good 5 to 15 minutes from the film and not lose much. If you're into musicals (and I can take or leave 'em) then you'll love La La Land, but for me there's not much of a "rewatchability" factor here.

Can't deny Chazelle and Stone's skills, though.

Grade: A-minus"

The Maltese Falcon (2000) Unrated
Director: John Huston
Actors: Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor, Gladys George
Release Year: 2000

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 9:00 AM
"I watched John Huston's 1941 classic "The Maltese Falcon" with Humphrey Bogart and Mary Astor, but I want to divert for a moment and discuss the filmmaking term "McGuffin."

Stories have plot devices - physical objects that characters use and which drive the story forward. Sometimes literally drive - the Delorean in Back to the Future, for example. The shark in Jaws could be considered a plot device as well, as it certainly isn't a character with any sort of emotional arc. The Coen brothers are notorious for using briefcases full of money in a lot of their films (Big Lebowski, Fargo, and No Country For Old Men in particular).

But there exists a special sub-section of plot devices called "McGuffins." The origin of the term has been lost to film history, but basically a McGuffin is a plot device which the audience does not know the specifics of. Alfred Hitchcock defined a McGuffin as a plot device that "the audience doesn't care about," but Roger Ebert took it a step further and said that the audience doesn't even know what it *is*.

The briefcase in Pulp Fiction is probably the most obvious example of this. What's in the briefcase? The characters know, but we the audience do not. It's something valuable enough that Big Brain Brett and his crew wanted to steal from Marcellus Wallace, and its mysterious glow was enough to distract Ringo/Pumpkin from shooting Jules in the face. But as Yolanda/Hunny Bunny says, "Goddammit, what is it?" We'll never know.

A briefcase full of cash or a satchel of diamonds can never be a McGuffin. We the audience understand why that's valuable and why characters would clamber over each other to get it. What about the Ark of the Covenant from Indiana Jones? Not a McGuffin - there's an entire scene where characters discuss what it is and why the Nazis want it.

So we can conclude that in the realm of plot devices, McGuffins are *rare* and the term should be *rarely* used. (Film nerds, unfortunately, drop the term entirely too frequently in an effort to appear insightful.)

Now, why do I mention this?

The titular Maltese falcon in the film is often cited as an example of a McGuffin, but I am here to tell you - IT IS NOT. The opening crawl of the film even describes the falcon as being "encrusted from beak to claw with rarest jewels," and "priceless." So okay, it's basically a satchel of jewels only in falcon form, got it. I understand why the characters would want it.

Oh, but I digress - is the movie any good?

I gotta say I was pretty bored by it. It's got a metric ton of intrigue, that's for sure, but it also has an equal amount of pure exposition. Film is a visual medium, and the adage says "show, don't tell." Instead of *telling* us about how the falcon was stolen from a galley back in the 16th century, they could've *shown* that. Instead of *telling* us about the fire aboard the La Paloma, they should've *shown* it (which they do, a bit, but Huston leaves out the entire rescue of the Falcon from the boat). Between the labyrinthine plot and the overabundance of conversation, the film's a bit of a slog to get through. I do acknowledge that John Huston is regarded as one of the "greats" and The Maltese Falcon was his first film, so I'm interested in seeing some of his other works.

Bottom line: the next time a film nerd uses the term "McGuffin" inappropriately, punch them in the teeth. You might do a little time but I'll make sure your commissary account is topped off, and when you get out you'll be a "made man." Word will get around and nobody will come near you. You'll own this town.

Grade: B-minus"

Never Been Kissed (Ws) (1999) PG-13
Director: Raja Gosnell
Actors: Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Michael Vartan
Release Year: 1999

Review by: B.J. W. (analogkid01) - 7/5/2025 8:58 AM
"Never Been Kissed is a 1999 rom-com starring Mike Stoklasa, Rich Evans, and featuring a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo by Drew Barrymore. The film's director, Raja Gosnell, has an impeccable track record with films like Smurfs 2, Scooby Doo 2, and Home Alone 3.

A common trend among romantic comedies is assuming the audience is educated. References to Proust, using the Maxwell equations as punchlines, that one movie based on the life of John Nash starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan...fortunately, "Never Been Kissed" avoids these pitfalls to an impressive degree. The film's comedy comes instead from our main character finding herself in contrived situations and resolving them by pratfalling. Hil. Air. E. Us.

Our Shakespearian plot involves a young copy editor (Barrymore) at the Chicago Sun-Times who is ordered to go undercover as a high school student. Her own real-life high school experience leaving her with nothing but traumatic memories, she decides to "do it right this time."

If you're still reading this...I'm being held hostage. Please call anyone, please won't somebody help me...I can't keep watching this movie, I just can't...how much longer--oh god, there's 45 minutes left, oh Jesus save me...I needed a movie that began with "N", I could've been watching Nasty Baby, or Network...why did I choose this stupid-ass movie??

Not only is there a love triangle (will Josie go after the cute new age-inappropriate boy, or the hot young age-appropriate teacher with a girlfriend and a plan to move to New York?), but also a ticking clock - Prom is coming!!!!!1 Will Josie win Prom Queen?? I won't spoil the ending for you, but of course she fucking does, what the fuck do you think this is, fucking Lars Von Trier? It's fucking Drew fucking Barrymore, of course she's going to fucking be the fucking prom queen at the end of a Drew fucking Barrymore vehicle!!

I will give a tiny bit of credit for the presence of Leelee Sobieski, Molly Shannon, and John C. Reilly. The last two would reappear together in Jeff Baena's 2016 film The Little Hours. Please see The Little Hours.

Grade: straight D

"Fuck that movie, Never Been Kissed! Fuck that movie!" --Mike Stoklasa"