Search - Alien 51 on DVD

Painful

A. Gyurisin | Wet, Wild, Wonderful Virginia | 05/05/2005

(1 out of 5 stars)

"First, if you are going to name a film Alien 51, you need to place some emphasis on the creature. Apparently, it was a recycled creature from another film (see the movie El Chupacabra, a film I haven't seen, but have added it to my list) and nothing created from any sort of imagination or originality. That already says a lot about where the quality of this picture is going to come from. If their main character is actually a creature from another film, our filmmakers have already cheated us from any sort of value. Recycling creatures in a non-mocumentary sort of way is an insult and immediately my DVD player should have dispensed the total amount spent on this rental. As if it isn't bad enough that the creature is from another film, it also has as much screen time as Dame Judi Dench did in Shakespeare in Love, actually probably less. Where is the alien during most of this film? I honestly thought that his agent was probably suggesting that he not participate in this production because it could ultimately hurt his career as an extra terrestrial. "Don't expect to hear from Spielberg if you continue with Alien 51." I could hear his agent saying. Nonetheless, he does make a small "cameo" role near the end where tempers flair, emotions rise, and the excitement of the final credits are finally in sight.

Second, if you are making a movie and you cannot get anyone to headline, then I would reconsider using Heidi Fleiss. Now, I am not an actor at all, but I have seen several independent films, and I can say this. She cannot act at all. In fact, there were some special features on this DVD which allowed you to see the director giving instructions to the actors, and I just couldn't help but think that Fleiss' comments were going in one ear and out the other. I am surprised to witness that the director just didn't go "postal" on everyone when they chose to do their own form of acting instead of following the directions presented to them. Perhaps, and this may throw my image of this film completely off, but just maybe that was the director's style of filmmaking. I have never witnessed a director who wanted to be cheap, allow his cast to walk in and out of scenes, and demonstrate that an entire community of women must have had some form of breast implants, but maybe that is what our dual directors, Brennon Jones and Paul Wynne (yep, it took two to butcher these cinematic moments), wanted to ultimately create. If that is the case, then they have done a wonderful job and should be congratulated for their slackish behavior and performances. I would love to know what their budget was on this film because honestly, you could have paid me nothing and I would have found better material. Ok, you have a character named Doctor PsychoBilly. It really cannot get much worse than that.

Finally (while there are many, many, many more, I will stop here), whomever wrote this script I do believe was heavily under the influence of some banned substance, or possibly watched too much Anchorman and decided to act like Brick while writing. Either way, the lines in this film were the most enjoyable to listen to because they were possibly the worst ever written by another human being. I am not afraid to go on the record with that statement. My favorite line in the entire film was when Cleo and the police officer were walking around at night (yet, it was so bright outside from the apparent spotlights) and she throws him on the ground, takes her top off and attempts to show him her scar from an earlier alien encounter. His response to her being on top of him and taking her top off was, "I am supposed to be looking at your scar right". HA. You could hear it in his voice that he was already too excited to have a woman on top of him topless. It literally had me in stitches on the ground. Thank you for writing comedy, this film needed it!

Grade: * out of *****"