Search - Bad Movie Police Case #2: Chickboxer on DVD

Yolanda Squatpump is Today's Ed Wood!

Robert I. Hedges | 03/12/2004

(5 out of 5 stars)

"You have never seen anything like 'Chickboxer.' I have seen many, many very bad movies, and generally revel in movies gone wildly awry, but this is in a class by itself. I am serious, when I say that this is the heir apparent to the Ed Wood catalog. This is the worst made movie I have ever seen. Shot with a low quality video camera in 1991 on a budget of $5,000, 'Chickboxer' is the story of a frumpy twentysomething girl (who is allegedly seventeen) inspired to fight crime by her favorite television show, 'Chickboxer'. Along the way she takes a karate class (which must be seen to be believed), and gets a date with the limpest football player I have ever seen. There are a couple of plot cul-de-sacs which involve kidnapping and the murder of a waitress which have NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie, and there is a cameo by Michelle Bauer as the real 'Chickboxer', as well as a tacked on bit of bad quality adult film of her that is also completely unrelated to the film at the very end. Another thing to watch out for is the unbearably long 'shoe lacing' title sequence, the most painful in cinema history.This has been packaged as part of the "Bad Movie Police" series, with several excellent extras, all of which are worth watching. I sincerely hope that the series continues with other movies from the same production team such as 'Maximum Impact', 'Robot Ninja', and 'Zombie Cop', all long out of print. In his commentary, J.R. Bookwalter (the alter ego of editor 'Darryl Squatmpump' [sic]) alleges that 'Zombie Cop' is even worse than 'Chickboxer', but I refuse to believe him until I have seen it myself. Extras on the DVD are wonderful. In addition to the moderately amusing "Bad Movie Police" introduction, there are two brief documentaries on the making of 'Chickboxer'. I am particularly amused by the interview footage of James Black, who played the karate teacher. There is also a still picture library, and by far best of all, an option to watch the movie with commentary by producer J.R. Bookwalter, who is hilarious to listen to, and tells us many amusing things such as the picture was made after the production company gave them the final video box and synopsis and told them to make a movie around it. How great is that?This is the pinnacle of bad filmmaking. Some will not be able to sit through it (especially the horrible narration device), but for those hardened by the works of Adamson, Steckler, and Wood, Squatpump will be a breath of foul air!"

The best of the Bad Movie Police case files

Daniel Jolley | Shelby, North Carolina USA | 05/28/2006

(5 out of 5 stars)

"Producer J. R. Bookwalter has come up with a pretty brilliant way of giving his own atrocious films a second chance to make a few bucks - by ridiculing his very own turkeys, he has turned his old, hopelessly unwatchable films into wickedly cool, hilarious viewing experiences. In Bad Movie Police Case #2: Chickboxer, Sgt. Elke Mantooth (Ariauna Albright) and Lt. Drucilla Dread (Lilith Stabs) are back, taking down the purveyors of bad cinema one at a time and warning us of the dangers these low-budget, low-talent directors pose to all of us. This time, they even get to kick a little butt during the film's introductory segment. After breaking up a cinematic crime in progress and warning us of the dangers of bad movies in general, the girls tell us about director "Yolonda Squatpump," one of the most-wanted cine-terrorists in the world. After detailing this director's top ten crimes against good cinema in the film Chickboxer, they present us with the evidence of the movie itself.

I really shouldn't admit this, but I thought Chickboxer was actually a pretty good movie. I'm probably the only person on Earth who would even think of saying this, as even the cast and crew have nothing good to say about the whole experience, but there it is. I agree that the movie looks like it was filmed on a cheap video camcorder (because it was), had nothing that could properly be termed a budget, boasted some pretty bad acting, suffered from audio problems that made some of the dialogue a little hard to make out, and was just pretty stupid an idea in the first place. That's probably why I like it, and everyone else hates it. And, hey, it throws you a bone in the form of a short soft porn scene with Michelle Bauer at the very end, so you can't say J. R. Bookwalter and crew never gave you anything.

If this film were known at all, it would be best known for its excruciating opening credit sequence (which is, rather sadistically, featured on the end credits as well). As the names roll across the screen and some cheesy heavy metal plays in the background, the viewer is forced to watch a woman completely lace up a pair of shoes - boring to the nth degree, but there is actually a story behind it. Producer J. R. Bookwalter actually filmed the suspenseful shoelace scene twice - the first time with his wife Tina pulling the strings. When it came time to package the movie anew, that footage was gone because Bookwalter had actually copied over some of the master tapes for another film called Ozone (which says a lot about Bookwalter's pride in his work) - the version that BMP viewers are forced to endure actually features Ariauna Albright's hands and pink Converses.

As for the plot, it's all about this girl who dreams of becoming a superhero. Julie Ann Suscinksi plays Kathy, the second-oldest high school student I've ever encountered. She's a frumpy thing who depends on Chickboxer, her very favorite TV show, to get her through each unhappy week. She has the hots for the school's scrawny football star (James L. Edwards) and dreams of being a superhero like her favorite action heroine. Defying her parents, she signs up for a karate class with the world's worst "master" (James Black) - and soon thereafter, for the first time in her life, something actually happens. Her quiet little town is knee-deep in a secret conspiracy involving the mayor, the police chief, and some decidedly unimpressive Mafioso types. This is a job that calls for Chickboxer - but, unfortunately, only Kathy is available. Can she take on the role of her hero and save the day?

Don't expect a lot of gratuitous violence here, as the few moments of chickboxing are hopelessly inept and unintentionally hilarious. Michelle Bauer fans shouldn't get too terribly excited about Chickboxer, either, as she gets only limited screen time (and let me just say that her naughty scene at the end is indeed related to the story, but, since we're talking about a naked Michelle Bauer, who cares if it's related or not, anyway?). Finally, let me just repeat the fact that I am probably the only person on earth who actually liked this movie, but the whole Bad Movie Police concept goes a long way toward making the whole experience entertaining, no matter how horrible you find the feature film."

Oh sweet Jesus. What did I buy?

Johny Bottom | Jacksonville, NC | 11/19/2003

(1 out of 5 stars)

"This has got to be the worst excuse for a film in the history of cinema. This is an opinion stated by the director and writer in the 'bonus features'. Many of those who starred in this movie even admitted to not being able to bear watching it, and some refuse to even discuss it.Our story begins with a homely 20 something female playing a high school student obsessed with the TV show 'Chick Boxer'. Her extremely ugly sidekick friend is dumbfounded by this. This film is very annoying because our 'hero' narrates half the film as she's sitting in a chair in the corner of her house.To put it gently, a dirty cop wants to become mayor. So he, some pathetic henchman, and a karate instructor devise a scheme to frame the current mayor. Our hero takes karate lessons from the crook because she wants to be a Chick Boxer like her hero. She discovers the plot, and with her boyfriend and his dad, win in the end by rounding up all the bad guys.And the real 'Chick Boxer'? She becomes a porn star at the end of the film. Her showing off her great rack is the only saving grace of this film. But it's not worth sitting through the 70 something minutes of misery.This was shot entirely in video with a cheap camcorder. The sound is awful. The actors (half of whom you'll recognize in Bad Movies #1 Galaxy of the Dinosaurs) obviously don't even want to make this film. The lines are mostly done off the cuff. That's not surprising though. The writer of this film explains he wrote it in an afternoon and hated his own script.Check out the extras in the karate class. What a motley crew of derelicts. The long haired dude with the glasses looks like someone pulled him in off the street right before filming began.If you love torturing yourself with cinema that 'simply cannot be watched', then by all means treat yourself to 'Chick Boxer'. For anyone else, avoid at all costs."