Subject: I have found a DVD that I think you would enjoy
|Jacob Two Two Meets the Hooded Fang/Return to Frogtown|
Genres: Action & Adventure, Comedy, Drama, Kids & Family
Make the bad man stop!
The Patriarch | 08/02/2007
(1 out of 5 stars)
"Hey there, Patriarch here. I know the question on all my fan's minds, "Patriarch, why do you subject yourself to such bad movies!?" The answer is simple. Because I like bad movies! I'd take an honest attempt to make a film by a dedicated autor long before I'd watch some of Hollywood's pablum.
However, maybe it's because I've built up an immunity to bad movies. But every now and then I encounter a new strain of badness in film. Something so awful, so horrible that I fall prey to it's symptoms and have no natural defenses against it.
This disc happens to be a one two punch of this new strain and I'll admit it. Your's truly was bedridden for almost a week after watching these. And I never even finished one of them. Doctor's orders: DO NOT attempt to watch these movies back to back. I can't be held responsible for your actions.
I'm feeling ill already, so I better get on with this. The first movie: Return to Frogtown. The acid reflux is already beginning to creep up my throat. The blurb for this movie says, this movie teaches children morals by setting an example. This is a lie. This person should be fired because they obviously could not stomach this movie and LIED IN THE BLURB. This is not a children's movie and if you think having sex with women you just met, that are OF A DIFFERENT SPECIES THEN YOU is moral then you have problems.
Okay Frogtown is really just another B movie blooper that tried to cash in on the success of it's B movie predecessor, Hell comes to frogtown. Instead it's just an hour and a half of well nonsense really. It was so bad that I suffered real pain. I think it was trying to cash in on the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but with frogs instead. They often bad mouth turtles in this movie. At one point they sing this song, it is so bad, that goes...(read at own risk)
"Meaner and greener/talking turtle TV dinner/meaner and greener/the way its gotta be." The lyrics are so bad and the music so bad that...hold on...
Ok I'm back. I was just physically ill just thinking about it. Also in this movie as I previously hinted upon. A man has sex with a frogwoman. "You ever made it with a greener before?" she asks. This is disgusting. I hated this movie so much but I finished it dammit! I hope I built up an immunity to movies this bad.
Next on this movie is Jacob two two. One of the few movies that Patriarch could not stomach. I was not man enough to handle this movie and turned it off. To be fair, this movie unlike the other, is a child's movie. I still don't think it is suitable for children though. I mean my brother borrowed this movie and he couldn't finish it either! How long is this movie? WE watched it for what seemed like forever and he watched it even longer than I did but we still couldn't finish it. Time has no meaning while you are watching it.
The movie starts out with this whiny kid that says everything two times. Oh just what I needed, Johnny two-times-The movie(see my Goodfellas review.) Then he whines to his father to let him go to the store. Then we get the first song of the film. "Two firm red tomatoes." It is bad. Then he is at the store and whines that he wants two firm red tomatoes. It is then that we realize the Jacob lives in hell. The shopkeeper just mocks him for some reason. I mean he doesn't let up. So poor jacob runs to the basement and hides(!?) There is dreams up some idea about going to court and being tried for something. Ice Cube is the judge. Do you want Ice Cube in a children's movie. No. No you don't. He raps at the child. And like the shopkeeper, he is dissing jacob like crazy and just doesn't let up. The rap goes something like this.
"You're disgusting, pitiful, whiny, piece of garbage./ You're pathetic, a loser, you deserve to die.
I had to leave at that point. I couldn't handle it anymore. And remember, I had just finished Frogtown. My brother tells me it only gets worse. I'm sorry everybody, but I have to sign off now. DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES!"