Search - White Fire on DVD

4 stars -- but not in a good way

Alan Hummel | The Seven Seas of Rhye | 08/06/2005

(4 out of 5 stars)

"This is one of those films which is so bad, it's funny. And I can't believe they released it on DVD.

The plot is as follows: Bo (Robert Ginty) and his sister are jewel thieves. Bo sees his sister swimming naked in the pool and finds her attractive, saying "Y'know, if you weren't my sister...". A few minutes later she is killed by a blow-dart to the forehead. Sometime later, Bo meets a girl who looks JUST LIKE his sister, and falls in love with her.

How sick is THAT?

Oh, and there'a big diamond called "White Fire" (the title character!) that everyone wants to steal.

So what makes this film so bad (besides the "plot" detailed above)? Well, here are some examples:

1. At one point in the film, we are in Istanbul. And there's a subtitle on the screen to tell us that...except they spell it wrong! They spell it "Istambul", with an "m".

2. At various random moments throughout the first 20 minutes or so, the "White Fire" rock theme blares. It doesn't fade in, or seem to make any sense when it shows up, it just randomly appears, and loudly too!

3. Guards with oversized helmets. "Spaceballs", anyone?

4. Lots of gratuitous, senseless violence. Robert Ginty takes a chainsaw to somebody's crotch!

5. The director doesn't have his name printed in the credits, he SIGNS IT. That's right, all you see is his SIGNATURE...and it's illegible. My friend suggested that he did this to avoid anyone finding out he directed the film.

I could go on, but that would spoil the fun. If you like bad films, check this one out."